It's Always Something

I have only two things on my mind right now:

1. Why the hell can't I handle failure like a normal person instead of completely falling apart?
2. Why can't I make this damn decision? I usually just take the most risky one and roll with it, but I'm actually torn between the two for once. What am I supposed to do, make a "Pro/Con" list? That's not me. 

Note: Sorry for shitty posts lately. I always just write what ever is on my mind, but lately what's on my mind is unfortunately not entertaining. I will be back to more entertaining posts shortly... And by shortly I mean most likely the end of April when I've (hopefully) figured my life out. That's my set goal right now.

I am also switching the name of this blog to my old blog name, because I no longer use the old one. Same stuff, different name. No biggie.

You Don't Even Look At Me Looking My Best

This would normally not be something I'd make public, but I'm to the point where I don't care about anything anymore, so whatever. Venting is good sometimes.
I'm sick of:
my roommates
my job
running away
being helpless
trying so hard
achieving nothing

It's the worst feeling in the world to not be able to help yourself and to not have anywhere to go. I sometimes wish that I were a child again so my worries would only include who I'd play with at recess. I scare myself all the time because of the desperate thoughts that run through my mind. There's so many simple things that I want, yet so many necessary, difficult things that I need and they don't mix well. I found myself considering replying to a "personals" ad on craigslist today because I'm so desperate for cash. I always told my self that it would never come to that, but I don't know where else to turn. I'm going insane. Being homeless again wouldn't be that bad if it weren't the middle of winter. The things that I want are so simple, but so complicated at the same time. They're just too old-fashioned for todays society and the things I should know...  or should have an idea of... I fall completely short. I have no idea what I want and no idea what to do about anything, ever. I'm just a pussy and travel constantly so I don't have to deal with anything, just like my parents. I used to be so optimistic that no one wanted to be around me, but now I'm more pessimistic than ever. On the rare occasion that I'm happy, it's gone before I remember what it felt like. I constantly live in a dream.
I try so hard to make everyone else happy and to seem strong but I don't feel like either of those things, and I wish I did. In my head, the perfect solution is to be a beach bum for a few months and find myself, but that's not a realistic plan. I have no answers. My finger tips always just brush my goals and then some catastrophe strikes and it gets even further away and continues. I find that my fingers never brush them again. I am told that I'm being stubborn if I don't ask for help, but even if I decided to, who the hell would I ask?
I'm aware that who ever decides to read this will think I am crazy, but honestly, I don't give a crap anymore. I just want to be free.

Portaledge Camping = Love

I need to do this RIGHT NOW. It's my official goal. Let's get some portaledge gear and go do this!!!

Check out this video of these guys doing it! 

Hey Girl Hey

I went and had coffee with my good friend Michael* just a couple days ago and somehow we got on to the topic of weird and unnecessary (in his opinion) things that girls do. I'm going to break down a few things on his list and explain exactly why they are very necessary... And possibly weird.

Weird things that girls do:

• "Act mad when we [guys] ask what's wrong and say 'nothing'" 

Okay. If something is wrong and we reply with "nothing", it's obviously not nothing and most likely has something to do with you. If it's not your doing, then we're waiting for you to read our minds. Not joking either. If you can't guess, we simply want you to shut up and hold us. Done deal.

• "Does this dress make me look fat?" 

There is no correct answer to this. You will always be wrong. If you reply with no, then you are automatically lying which means we look fat. If you reply with yes, then it's off with your head. If you say nothing, then you clearly think we look fat and can also turn into an argument as to why you don't hear what we say. Unfortunately, I have no advice for you on this one. 

• "Girls always go to the bathroom together"

If we go to the bathroom together it's because we have something private to discuss that guys can't hear, and sometimes we actually use the bathroom. There is nothing weird going on and we don't need a babysitter. Just clearin' that up.

• "They take FOREVER to get ready"

I personally think I can get ready fairly quickly, but if I were given hours, I would take every single minute to get ready. It's not that we're not capable of getting ready sooner, it's just that in our minds, getting ready is often way better than what ever we're getting ready for. It's also a time to mentally prepare. YOU CANT RUSH US or it will literally ruin the entire outing. In a 3 hour period, I'll usually spend about 45 minutes getting ready and the remaining time checking myself in the mirror, dancing to music, playing what i'm going to do/say in my head, checking the time constantly, and whatever else feels right for what ever i'm going to. It's all completely necessary for me to have a good time. 

• "Girls always dress slutty but then yell at me if I tell them they look slutty"

I think the only time in my life that I look slutty intentionally is if i'm going clubbing. If you're going clubbing you're not going to wear a turtle neck sweater and jeans. Also, we have it in our minds that guys only find us attractive if we're half naked. So when you tell us, "hey you look very slutty tonight", that's like, "you look super hideous and I wouldn't like you if you were the last woman on earth". We just want to hear that we look beautiful/pretty/stunning etc. 

• "Why do girls own so many different bras and underwear?"

One reason. They're pretty and they make us feel that way as well. If I wore the same bra every day I would feel like Plain Jane. Plus, do you really want to see us in the same get up every time we come over?

• "Girls say that they want a 'nice guy' but always really want jerks. Hypocrites"

I've definitely posted about this before, but basically, it's not that we don't want "nice guys" it's just that we're initially attracted to the "bad boy". It's just the way it works. It sounds complicated, but really, it's not about being a jerk, it's about being the right amount of cute (sentimental) and mysterious... And a little bit badass/manly (or at least make it seem like you are). We don't want to feel like you'd leave us in the dust if we were put in an unsafe situation. The guy that says everything we want to hear ALL the time just gets a little boring. There's a difference between being a gentleman and being boring. 

• "Why do girls always tell you the opposite of what they mean and never tell you whats actually on their minds?"

Exactly what I said earlier. We want you to read our mind. We want you to get the hint and figure it out because in some complicated way it means that we're worth it to you. Trust me, I realize how incredibly stupid that sounds, but we're just wired that way. I really do try to just be straight up, and sometimes I am, but most of the time, I talk in riddles just like every other girl. We also think that you talk in riddles too so we over-analyse EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAY. So watch how you say things. We have feelings too. 

• "Girls always act dumb."

Girls who act dumb, usually are dumb or they think that you'll like them better if they're ditzy. We're raised thinking that intelligence makes you lame, though we outgrow that as we get older (most of us do anyway).

Alright, well that's enough for this post. It was actually quite entertaining to talk about weird things that girls do, and some that I do as well. Have any to add? Drop a comment.

Writers Block

So, since I've hit writers block (hence the title), I'm going to use this nifty "Blog Post Generator" a friend sent me and write about whatever pops up, even if it's silly. Ready. Set. Go.

Random Post #1: 5 Things That Irritate Me About Lemons (this will be quite difficult I think).

1. EVERY SINGLE TIME I pierce the lemon in any way, it gets in my eye. 
2. They make everything else taste sweet, even when I don't want it to. 
3. They're not peaches or mangoes.
4. They don't grow here.
5. Mars doesn't have lemons either. 

Random Post #2: Gender Issues That Suck

1. The Wage Gap - Seriously what's up with that?
2. Feminists- You want equal rights but still expect to be treated like a lady? Make up your damn mind. 
3. Domestic Violence- Based on a survey done in July 2000, there were an estimated 25,677,735 female victims versus the 7,327,092 male victims. Buff up ladies!
4. Gender Roles - Hey, it's part of life. Deal. 
5. Anti-Gay Marriage - Who. Fucking. Cares. If you're in love, you're in love. 
6. Death Row Penalty Men vs. Women - Nuff said.

Well... That felt more like homework, but ya know. Hopefully I'll come up with something more exciting to talk about next time!

A side note: these are just for fun, so no hate mail please and thank you. 

So, my favorite manager and the only good reason I even show up to work quit today... I kind of want to cry. If the replacement is as much of a bitch as my other manager, I'm likely to quit. Okay, probably not... but if I didn't need the transfer, I definitely would have quit today. Work is just going to be so awkward and not fun anymore. :(
But back to reality; I need to find a way to make absolute bank in about two months. Hit me with some ideas. I'm open to just about anything short of standing on the corner, so throw 'em at me!
Oh, and making meth is also out. I'm not very good at chemistry. (watching Breaking Bad right now).

And He Said That My Eyes Were Gleamin'

 I find myself restless at approximately 11:19 PM due to something on my mind that needs attention.

The majority of my posts relate to me giving out my advice to matters that I feel are relatable, but what if I personally need advice? Will my followers be there to guide me? I suppose i'll find out.

A few days ago, I posted about love and telling people how you feel no matter what, but this poses a problem for me at times because I am most often not good at putting my feelings to words in a way that makes sense. To me, actions do speak louder than words but what if you don't have the power to use actions at this moment and have to resort to words? I find that my thoughts through words lack meaning when it comes to my love life.  I'm going to try my absolute best and i'm going to be absolutely honest even if it sounds ridiculous. I've been known to be ridiculous. Here it goes:

If this person were to write a book entitled, "how to make a girl fall for you in one date", they would receive a Grammy Award. And yes, they don't typically give those out for books, so this is a big deal.
This person confuses me in the best way possible. In a way that makes me scared but fearless at the same exact time.
This person is constantly fluttering from beneath the lids of my eyes making it difficult to sleep, but easy to day dream for hours on end, no matter the time.
This person makes me feel like I'm watching a private showing of a Disney movie; starring him and myself.
This person makes me half expect fireworks to miraculously appear before me every time our fingers brush.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder; Is that all this is, or is it more?
And who are "they" anyway?

Okay, so I can be a bit dramatic on top of ridiculous, but you get the point. Advice anyone?

And if this person is a follower of mine, I do apologize for possibly scaring you as well. Simply pretend we're in middle school and consider this a "secret admirer" note, only not so secret and not scribbled in poor hand writing with a sparkly gel pen.

Sincerely,
The most forward girl on the face of the earth