Spoiler Alert

I went and saw The Spectacular Now last night with two of my friends and I've been in such a weird mood ever since.

It was a phenomenal film, I definitely recommend seeing it, but it just hit me so close to home; not only with the main character's family issues but with his internal emotional issues as well. 

In the movie he keeps searching for the answer to a generic college essay question, "describe a hardship you've had to overcome, etc" and he really struggled with it because he realizes that the hardship he's facing is himself. 

I didn't have to answer that question when applying for school, but if I did that would definitely be my answer as well.
I am my life's biggest hardship. I am the thing standing in the way of my own happiness.
I guess I feel like I'm the guy from the Into the Wild story except in the end he realized that life is about who you share it with but I feel like I need to find a way to be happy with myself first because if I'm only happy because of a person I'm with, I will be miserable and lost when they're gone and I don't want to be that weak.
I know that if I find myself questioning if I'm happy or not, it means I'm probably not... The only time I don't think about it is if I'm traveling or if I immerse myself in the daily grind (work, pay bills, sleep, work, pay bills, sleep) and so I don't have time to think about my feelings, which isn't healthy either. I'm just always watching my life through someone else's eyes, waiting for my turn to live it. I need to find a way to get to that point.
I might sound crazy, but I know I can't be the only person going through this if theres a damn movie about it that I just saw. Clearly whoever wrote The Spectacular Now knows whats up.


Photo by yours truly.

Things Everyone Does When Falling In Love

So you've met "the one" and he/she's somehow different than the 20 other "the one's" before them, right? You tell yourself you've never ever felt this way before (yadda yadda) but let's get real; you're doing the same generic moves that you and every hopeless romantic before you has done.

You act like they're not a big deal
Your best friend see's you the day after your big date and asks how how it went. You reply with, "Oh, you mean the hang-out with whatshisface? It was pretty cool I guess".

You check your zodiac compatibility
Seriously, you can't mess with the universe. Nothing says, "delusional love-at-first-sight" like a good horoscope match.   

Social network profile stalking
So you've already established that they're your soul mate, so now you just need a daily reminder that they're just so good looking.

You crawl in to a love-cocoon phase
Think I just made that up? I did, but it doesn't make it any less true. A love-cocoon is what you call the scenario where everyone you know is leaving you voice mails and texts and they finally find you rolled up with whatshisface (has it really been 13 hours?) just watching tv and eating pizza in bed. What's more important than that? Going to work?

Filling your journal with pages about them
Oh man, we just had the best date ever; I must write every detail down so that I don't forget! (as if that would ever happen).  

Staying up all night
All of a sudden you're so pumped about being in love you can't get them out of your mind and every day you see them feels like Christmas and they're the gift you begged your parents for all year, then every time you close your eyes you hear Aerosmith singing "And I don't wanna miss a thingggg". Amirite?

These Eyes Wander

I've been taking part in a lot of doing and a lot of thinking lately, but when it comes to just simply being I become increasingly aware that I don't fit into this life I'm living.
By that I mean that I don't see myself as a part of the puzzle that is the day-to-day life so many people I know are living. It's a constant rat-race; a constant struggle and need to one-up the person sitting next to you. It's everyone thinking that the goal of life is to fit into this mold that is our current society.
It would be a shame to give up my dream of modeling, but I sometimes think I would be much happier living out my other dream: being completely free. I simply want to exist. I don't want to call one specific place home and I don't want any specific sort of career. I want to drift with the wind and meet so many people and go so many places, even if that means doing it alone.
When I tell my friends and family this, most of them ask questions like, "You don't ever want to 'settle down'?" or "What about college?".
To answer the first question: I suppose I would like to settle down in a sense if I met the right person. The problem is, not to sound cynical, I can't imagine that there is a person out there who could truly handle myself and my lifestyle.
To answer the second: I don't need a piece of paper that says I sat through four years of lectures to be considered intelligent.

Anyway, I'm thinking about putting together a trip (to nowhere in particular) and if anyone would like to join me or throw out ideas please feel free to send me an email or comment below.

Photo by myself