Saturday, December 1, 2012

50 Reasons Why You Aren't A "Drunk Idiot"

For my boyfriend-- he's having a bad day.

1) Everyones an idiot when they're drunk
2) When I'm drunk, I want nothing more than Beyonce's butt
Unrelated reasons:
3) You pull off "the naked man" very well
4) Your "forced smile" is the equivalent to the feeling I get when I see a very cute puppy on the street
5) The face you get when you play video games is priceless
6) How positive you are for me is reassuring
7) Your arms/hands/face/everything. Need I say more?
8) You only eat pasta, but are willing to try things that the average person wouldn't when I offer
9) You share my love for Christmas music
10) You planned out our first kiss (or at least made it seem like you did) and its pretty much the highlight of my life so far
11) You're a cat and dog person ( even if you say squishy-faced dogs aren't cute)
12) You give the best massages ever
13) You tell me all the time that you're a dick, but really, you're a twilight lover and I think "team Jacob" as well
14) You're so amazing when you perform it blows my mind sometimes
15) Even if you hog all the blankets, I don't mind having to snuggle closer to you to keep warm
16) Its cute in an odd sort of way, how you get crumbs clear across the room when you eat
17) Its also cute (and frustrating) how you won't admit you're tired even if you're snoring
18) I sleep better than ever when I sleep next to you
19) You have no idea what coffee tastes like and you're ok with that
20) You still have the ability to make me feel so nervous and shy whenever you look at me
21) You're an artist of many sorts
22) You can still make me smile even if I'm half-way across the country
23) You make "cuddle stations" for us
24) I could wear gigantic heels and you'd still be the perfect amount taller than me
25) You show me the weirdest videos ever and I love them
26) You quote South Park every day and are so enthusiastic about it
27) I have the best time ever just riding the train home with you
28) You are the best pillow ever
29) You take interest in my obsessive tea collection
30) You wrote a song for me and it was beautiful and it's my favorite
31) You give me directions almost every day because I navigate like a drunk person when im completely sober
32) I admire so many things about you
33) You're a vampire and can't handle the sunlight
34) You love your family and your family loves you
35) You have adorable freckles
36) You laugh obnoxiously when you watch funny shows and it warms my heart
37) I feel comfortable telling you just about anything
38) You're actually scared of scary movies
39) it gives me the chance to take over being super man (or woman in my case) for you
40) You hate when I have problems but still try to help
41) You're completely insane in the morning and I love it
42) You scare your cat in the best way
43) Your voice is so gentle and soothing
44) You wake up and start the shower for me if I'm too weak
45) Your clothes almost always match in a not gay at all way
46) You still offer to carry my things even if I always say no
47) You're my big kitty
48) You have so much bouncy energy and it makes me so happy
49) You put up with me complaining about my useless winter cloves
50) I know you'll cheer up soon, because you don't stay angry long and I'm about to send you a video of a mustache

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Good Luck, Bad Luck

In leu of recent unfortunate events, I've had a stroke of luck. Now I don't want to jinx it or get over-excited, but I may be signing with an agency next week (finally). Only problem is that, one: I have to relocate sooner than planned (which I was contemplating doing anyway due to other events) and two: I can't help but feel like I could do better. I'm sure it's a lovely agency, but it's certainly not my dream agency and has a lot of bad reviews. I will however still meet with them and make my own decision. I'm thinking if they can get me real work and I have an open contract, then perhaps I could land FORD (my absolute favorite place on earth) later on. We will just have to wait and see and you can count on my keeping you updated.
Now, to bring you all up to speed on the "other events" I mentioned.
I've moved in with my parents who live in the middle of nowhere which limits my choices for employment to a gas station and a bar, both of which will never hire unless someone dies or combusts, rather. This leads to having zero dollars now, meaning I can't leave town EVER and I can't get approved for my school loan and pay my tuition deposit which was due something like, yesterday. So, I'm going to be a bum again, or couch surfer if I get lucky. Which leads me to another "event".
I'm setting up a sketchy living arrangement with a 30 year old man I met on Craigslist. I'm debating on whether it would be wiser to continue on that path or just be homeless all together.
Another issue: I have one week to come up with $86 for a train pass and maybe have extra money to eat until I get payed.
Anyone else have to go through all of this just to go to school? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world that will never have help when I need it.
Anyway, that would be the reason my eyes have sunken into my face and why I haven't written in a couple weeks.
On a happier note, my boyfriend and I spent a much needed night together a few days ago and it was lovely. He made dinner, we had a Harry Potter marathon, and much like a movie, played piano in our underwear. Hope I gave everyone a nice visual ;).

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Taking A Break

This may be my last post for a few weeks. I have a lot on my plate right now and I'm feeling myself pull into a state of permanent hibernation. I don't want all of my posts to be negative, so I'm gonna take a break from my blog for awhile. Anyway, check back again in a couple weeks please! I'm not dead! ^.^

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Julie, Julia and I

I've just finished watching the masterpiece of a movie, "Julie and Julia" and I have to say, that it moved me. It moved me in the sense that it made me realize what a shit blog I've got myself. What have I got to blog about anyway? I am surprised to see everyday that people even read my blog posts about my day-to-day life (though lately I haven't been writing quite as often).
It's mostly just taken the place of my actual journal, apart from the really personal things left out of my blog; those are actually written in my journal. I'm sorry to say that I can't be too honest on something absolutely anyone can see. I at least try not to use people's names, even though if they were to read about themselves, I'm certain they would know it was about them.
Anyway, I need to pull myself out of this state of "rock bottom" as they call it... Whoever "they" may be, and find something worth while to write about. This blog wasn't intended to be the blog version of a reality tv show, it was intended for me to be able to write and to be able to finish something. Every post is a small accomplishment on my way toward writing bigger and better things. It's like I'm teaching myself to write and this is my warm-up.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Icky Ticks

I was thinking today about all the things people try to hide about themselves in order to seem more appealing to the public. What about being appealing to ourselves? So, with that being said, I think to make my way toward self-happiness, I need to have a one-on-one honesty session with myself.
So what do I try and hide far back in my mind... **these are my confessions** la la la...

Due to my experience from watching the popular horror movie, The Grudge, I now have to look inside my shower every time I enter and exit the bathroom for fear that the "Grudge girl" will be there

I do that obvious girl thing where I'm always scared or cold just because I want to be held for no reason... Even if it's 90 degrees at a Justin Bieber concert, you can count on me being cold and scared

When I was a kid I told everyone at school that I was adopted and that's why I couldn't have anyone over after school. Which didn't make any sense, but worked, because I got to go to everyone else's house instead and eat all their food

I like men solely based on their accents and sense of humor. Russell Brand totally wouldn't be as hot of he wasn't British and wasn't ridiculously funny

I take up activities you would typically see an old single woman doing (such as knitting) when I'm going through a period of unemployment

I prefer abnormal relationships due to me lack of skill to keep myself interested. It's like after the chase is over, my life is meaningless.

I find myself people watching, not only to observe their sometimes odd behavior, but to pick out which people have a real Burberry scarf on or not. I take great pride in knowing the difference

Just looking at something made of pressed wood (such as a wooden cooking spoon or a Popsicle stick) makes my teeth hurt to the point where I need to take a few Advil afterward and think happy thoughts

I can't go longer than an hour without applying Chapstick and if I don't have any, I will spend my last dollar to buy a new one, over food

I will pay my bills late just so I can buy a new coat or pair of shoes that I think I need, but really don't

Well, that's all for tonight. Enjoy ^.^

Also, for an update. I did tell so and so that I wanted to date him the same night I wrote my last post, and we are now dating. How's that for good news?
Goodnight, All.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Fifteen Month Year

In case you're wondering which year has fifteen months, it's 2013 and it only exists in my head. As always, I've decided to make my New Years resolution list a couple months early. Anyway, who says I have to wait until January to set goals for myself? That's just silly.
So here's my list:

  1. Work out at least twice a week
  2. Have enough money for bills and for fun
  3. Do great in school
  4. Be more open with people
  5. Get signed by an agency 
  6. Absolutely no "one date then ditch". Stick with one person at a time
Well, that's all I've got at the moment. I'm sure I'll add more before its actually New Years. Enjoy ^.^

I've also been thinking more about how I feel toward so-and-so. I know no one wants to read about my boy problems, but I can't talk to my best friend about it because his only opinion on him is that he's a "d-bag" but has nothing to back that up. I want a real opinion, and not a negative one for no reason at all.
Anyway, I think I eventually want a relationship (yes, I said the "R word" and want to re-enter the dating world). I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel that way, but if that's what I want I should probably say something. I was thinking I didn't want anything "serious" but I have no interest in seeing anyone else (one guy at a time kind of girl) and I would feel terrible if he were to see anyone else. I don't want to just be a flavor and just be "that girl". Anyway, I guess that's kind of what a relationship means in a loose definition; to only see each other, and that's what I want.
On the other hand, if I were to say that to him, I would probably scare him away. I mean, if after eight months of casually dating he hasn't expressed that kind of interest in me, then he probably won't ever right? I don't like to assume the worst, but I try to be realistic as possible so I don't get my hopes up.
After all, the last month has been awful for me thinking I wouldn't see him again and it would be better to avoid that happening again in the future than to just assume it will work out, and then have this happen again a few weeks or months from now. Someone tell me how to "grow some balls" or "man up" or whatever people do when they talk about something frightening.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Sway Me Like The Sea

Figured I'd update my blog while I still have cell phone reception.
I'm currently on my way back from Chicago; I'm listening to Ben Howard and feeling slightly nostalgic. The lingering taste of this mornings coffee reminds me of a certain someone.
I went to Chicago partly to see my best friend who I haven't seen in months, and partly on a whim that I may have my mind changed about my recent assumptions; I think my minds changed... Mostly anyway.
Still having mixed feelings about the fellow most of my positive posts are about (and a negative). I guess what's on my mind are two things: one being that I let my fears control me and there for I shut people out, which is awful and relates to my second thought, or rather observation about myself, that I think I know what I want but I find ways to change my own mind. For example: last night I had a conversation with so-and-so about issues that we've been having and where we stand and every time we talk about such things, I tell him that I'm not sure what I want. I think I'm as sure as anyone can be about this sort of thing; can you ever really be 100 percent positive about trusting a person anyway? My point being that either everyone else goes through this and I'm over thinking it, or I should probably seek counseling if my previous relationships fucked me up this much (pardon my French).
Anyway, just wanted to get that out there because I know I won't tell him any of that, unfortunately. But all around, I enjoyed my trip very much and I'm very glad that I can go whenever time permits now since I am no longer across the country.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Disaster Date Number Five

It's 7:31 and I just walked away from my date, which started about 25 minutes ago. I know, because I was staring at the clock tick by with every arm flex and filthy word that spilled from his disgusting mouth. I assure you , I'm not being dramatic.
This guy was so stuck on himself, I found it difficult to hold back the vomit working its way up my throat. And to top it off, he decided to plant a big one on me after confessing how in love I was with him (or so he thought). To quote him: "I can see it in your eyes that you want me and you can't stab it". There are many ways I would had liked to respond to that, but I just decided to tell him I had a family emergency. I then preceded to find the nearest restroom so that I could brush my teeth after that awful mouth-to-mouth encounter.
Someone needs to tell me what I can change about myself so that I don't attract these kinds of men. -_-

Vogue Italia

Guess who got published on Vogue Italia yesterday! Me! Check it out!!!

Well that's all I have for you today! Enjoy! ^.^

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Date Number: ?

Out of pure laziness, I will not look to see where I left off with my poor dating skills; I believe it was four or five.
Back to my dating rule again, because I'm tired of getting hurt as a result from absolute stupidity.
Anyway, so my ex ex ex decides to ask me on a date last night. I make the worst decision and agree to meet him for dinner, and it turns into an auction for him and his friends to see who can win me into their bed. So I make a rash decision, and tell everyone I've converted to a lesbian. I now realize what a bad idea that was, because news travels fast here and now I'm "the lesbian girl". Fantastic. God, I know how to pick 'em.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Sunshine Daydream

I've just moved in with my parents in Wisconsin until school starts in January and I couldn't have made a larger mistake. It's freezing and I never thought I'd miss the allure of turning on the tv and not knowing what's on. We have no tv, no Internet and my phone only works when it wants to. I've only been here three days and the overcast weather has made me that much more depressed than I was already. I know it will improve with time, but I really can't wait to get out of town and visit my best friend. It's much needed.
Well, aside from that, I don't have much for you other than my now lack of a love life. It's karma I tell you!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Girl Dictionary For Dummies

Let's face it, not even a team of girls could write a dictionary on what girls mean, but here are some basics for you sad fellows who haven't caught on yet. Hint: We rarely mean what we say.

It's simple,

Yes: No
Maybe: Yes
No: Maybe

Good? Moving on...

We need to talk: You did something wrong and you should run for the hills.

Go ahead: I don't want you to

Are you listening to me: You're already dead. Leave and return with flowers

I don't know: I do know and I want to talk about it, but I want you to ask me to

Don't worry about it: You should definitely worry about it

I'm tired: It's cuddle time

I'm cold: It's cuddle time

Let's watch a movie: It's cuddle time

I look fat: Nothing you say will be the right answer. Leave and return with flowers

I like your shirt: Let's have sex

I'm going to assume a guy dictionary would be much simpler. Enjoy! ^.^

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Letters Anonymous

So, here's the deal. I have this major issue involving not being able to hold in whats on my mind (as you know from reading my numerous "venting" posts) and I've been holding in all these things I want to say to this guy but I'm too much of a wimp to actually bring it up. In the past, I have been pretty gutsy in the things I say to him, but this time I'm afraid its partly too mean of me to say. Anyway, I apologize for always getting too personal and just uninteresting on my posts sometimes, but if I don't tell someone, I'll tell him and I'm not ready for that right now.

Dear so-and-so,

I've been holding in a lot that I want to ask/tell you lately because frankly, I'm a massive wimp and you know it. First off, during our vacation together you treated me like I was the plague the majority of the time and it actually seemed to get worse after I mentioned something to you. I know you said you were busy, but in reality, no one is too busy to acknowledge their, as you call it, "significant others" existence. You actually kind of ran away from me in an indirect sort of way when I bid you goodbye at the shuttle station. I may be wrong, but I believe that's exactly how you treat someone you wish would fall off the face of the earth.
I know all of that was a tad bit over-dramatic; I know we did talk a few times and I enjoyed your company when you decided to grace me with your presence. I did, however, think about switching your ticket just so I wouldn't feel like dying, but I told myself that would be rash and I could very well be over-reacting.
Second, assuming I'm wrong about all of this, you have referred to yourself as my boyfriend (present and future tenses) a few times and for whatever reason I chose to ignore it, but if that's what you think you are, you should think about actually discussing that with me or maybe just asking me since you're so concerned with being a gentleman. I do think I would enjoy not just being that chick you see every once in a blue moon though.
Now, after thinking about this for weeks, I do take blame for a lot of our miscommunication. I do struggle to trust people and I know I could be more honest with you than I am. You really do sort of freak me out in a good way, I suppose. I'm not a "relationship" kind of person, but for whatever reason I (up until now) feel extremely comfortable with you and genuinely think you're the most wonderful person. I also could have been more specific when I addressed the situation during our trip and saved myself a lot of, "Am I doing something wrong?" and "don't cry. don't cry. don't cry". 
Anyway, I was really hurt by it and I didn't want to say all of this and make you feel bad, but I would appreciate an honest response as to how you feel and if that may not be what I want to hear, tell me anyway so you aren't leading me on; That will only make things worse for me.


So, If I ever work up the guts, that's pretty much what I want to say. I feel awfully mean just typing those things but my new goal was to be less of a doormat after all. Apologies for yet another venting post!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I've started to realize that kindness can be one of the worst qualities a person can possess. When you're too kind I find that (in my case) people take advantage of you. They know you'll always be there for them but they never have to be there for you. They know that you'll put up with just about anything to keep the peace. I've made a sort of short-term goal to try and be more selfish. I know that may sound absolutely ridiculous, but I'm wondering if I'd be more happy if I found the happy-medium. There is a right amount of kindness and selfishness I'm sure.

On a side note, in honor of New York Fashion Week, I wanted to highlight some of my favorite pieces from various collections I've been seeing this week.

For starters: The Spring 2013 ready-to-wear collection from Badgley Mischka is TO DIE FOR. I can honestly say that if I had an extra two grand lying around, I would spend it on one of these gowns (after purchasing my Burberry coat of course) in a heart beat. Specifically the one on the left.

Leave it to Jason Wu to successfully combine feminine and rocker, leaving us with an unforgettable line for spring. Here are my favorite pieces:

One dress in particular caught my eye from Max Azria:

Custo Barcelona's line was packed full of cool prints, sequins, lace and leather. Here's my favorite:

These are but a very small amount of the wonderful collections shown at  NYFW and I can't wait to see what else is coming. 

Enjoy! ^.^

Monday, September 3, 2012

Sad Attempt At Vlogging

This is me attempting to not look stupid in a video. I also don't know why I look so pale... and slightly purple. 
Enjoy! ^.^

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Dream Catcher

She sleeps alone, finding her nightly pilgrimage setting with the rising of the sun.
Solar rays light up dust particles that kiss her skin, "Good morning" she says.
His face the first and last thought upon every hour of this day; of every single day.
Perhaps not every hour of every day, but in a sad attempt to serenade him with the beating of her not-so-rhythmic heart, everything seems to become enhanced somehow.
Those empty pockets between her fingers ache as she drums to the beat of every second passing by; Every second brings her closer and for a second her clouded vision subsides at the thought.
Life moves in a slow motion reel, as if when she opens her eyes it's the farthest from Friday she'll ever be.
Monday is her reality and Monday seems to grip her so tightly, she seems to forget she isn't dreaming. She tells herself she isn't dreaming.
Her restless soul moves like sea foam, riding upon the back of every ocean wave bringing her just close enough and pulls her back.
To break free would be an ever so lonely slumber; she choses to remain vulnerable to the pull of the tide.
After all, like her, the tide has a longing for what keeps it in motion.
He moves like the ocean; he comes and goes, enticing her senses and leaving her breathless.
His touch, like a cool whisper of the wind, gently tapping against every corner of her mind.
She bites her now numb lips at the thought of every shiver sent down her spine.
She tells herself she isn't dreaming, but if Friday is ever so pleasant, her dreams must be a rushing whirlwind of Ghirardelli chocolate.
"Unreal" being the understatement that haunts her every moment of every day.
Swallowed in a down casing, she sleeps alone.
Eyes drawn to the moon outside her window, like a moth to a flame, she wonders how, with all this distance, that the goosebumps lining every inch of her body can feel so heavy.
So heavy, like the burden that is Monday, like the burden that keeps her restless only dreaming of Friday when she can, for a moment, feel what its like to be engulfed in his arms.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Creepers On My Bus

I just want to say that when you hit on a girl on the bus and she puts in her headphones, that means she doesn't want to talk to you. That doesn't mean that you can take pictures of her boobs "secretly" for fifteen minutes and touch her hair. Someone please send me pepper spray for Christmas, thank you.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I Am A Teenage Girl

Long time readers may remember the days I would pick out the beyond horrible dates I went on and post about them; remnants of my "one-date-then-dash" rule I made up so I wouldn't have to deal with the negatives of actually liking someone. That didn't last more than a year or so because I realized how incredibly lonely and stupid it was; I will admit though, that it was a hell of a lot easier. For my age (nineteen), I really haven't steadily seen more than one person mostly due to my constantly moving around, and after my one person, the fear of having another relationship turn out like that one did. I consider my self a risk-taker, but it's hard to take risks on things with a more permanent turn-out, like my feelings. I do realize I sound like the wimpiest person on the face of the earth, so no comments on that please. I guess my point is, that my rule prevented me from all of the confusion I am now experiencing; Though I don't want to take back that feeling. Maybe I'm more controlling than I want to admit. I like to know exactly whats going on at all times, and I like to have full control; In love there is no control in my opinion. In movies it's all so simple, but in real life all thats going through my head is, "what the hell is going on?"
Anyway, I'm just going to assume that I know nothing and everything will continue to be confusing as ever. Awesome.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Fifty Shades Of Ridiculousness

For non-readers: Unless you don't care to have the book spoiled for you, I would suggest not reading the rest of this post.

I began reading the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" yesterday and I was a huge fan of Grey up until chapter four I believe. I am not finished with the book, but so far it seems to me like a modern, slightly vulgar version of a Jane Austen novel, particularly "Pride and Prejudice". Christian Grey reminds me of Mr. Darcy in the sense that his personality comes off as very snobbish and arrogant. On top of it, I was taken by surprise when in order for Ana to be his girl friend (or rather sex slave to the "red room") she needs to sign a contract saying that he basically has full control over her and their relationship is to be scheduled weekly based on his availability and ideals. I like to think that if I were put in her situation I would be very frightened of him; though I am curious as to why he is the way he is, which is why I am still reading on.

Character analysis over for the moment.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

To Bee Or Not To Bee

I'm taking a stroll down the side walk, enjoying the sunshine when I hear that familiar sound of tiny wings buzzing by. I stop dead in my tracks, giving the bee the right-of-way all the while I'm waiving my arms around and my eyes are shut so tight they start to tear up; only then do i realize how absolutely retarded I must look to the public. I stop and walk completely around the area for fear that they'll get caught in my hair, which actually happened twice today.
I now know how embarrassing it must be to be seen with me. My apologies go out to anyone who's ever spent time with me outdoors.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Feeding Your Addiction

I just finished watching the movie, "Something Borrowed" and though it was a good movie, I can't help but be disappointed with the ending. To put it simply, the movie is about a woman who is in love with her friends fiancé. She spends the whole movie trying to catch him to be hers and all the while her best friend, who just happens to be in love with her, is trying to tell her to open her eyes and see that the other guy is a dick. So, what happens in the end? She chooses her friends fiancé, of course.
I can't speak on behalf of any other generation than my own, but I think people take movies too literally and don't get me wrong, I can definitely be one of those people.
Little girls are brought up watching Disney movies where the girl characters just sit around singing to birds and brushing their hair waiting for some prince to show up out of no where and fall in love with them. End of story. So here I am, 8 year old Alexandra, thinking "Oh, that's so easy. My life will solely consist of being beautiful and waiting for some dude to just whisk me off my feet and then everything will be rainbows and butterflies".
So then I grow older and like most other girls I go straight for the "bad boys" who are secretly really nice (or so you think) but they turn out to just be a "bad boy" after all, so then I decide that every guy on the face of the earth will treat me the same way.
In all honesty, I didn't realize how wrong I was until fairly recently and I can't help but think that so many girls may always think that, which is the purpose of this post.
Some of you are likely thinking how naive I am to think that. As for my reasoning; There is no way in hell that every person in the world is exactly the same. Think about it.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Mix Tape Nostalgia

I am currently listening to "Check Yo Self" and finding it quite hard to write while being distracted by Ice Cube combined with the sound of tonights basketball game (no, I don't know who's playing). I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I can beat my yearning to purchase a plane ticket for next month; It's becoming a bad habit. I need to realize that I am not super man and I can't keep up with this lifestyle. I'm also fighting this thing called jealousy right now, which is an even worse habit. I know it's natural and everyone feels it, but that doesn't make it right.
I've also gotten an email with an idea that i'm going to try: "put your Ipod/Mp3 on shuffle and write about what it means to you via emotions and memories".
I'm just going to try a few. Here it goes:

  • My Name Is Skrillex-Skrillex: This reminds me of this guy who used to stalk me last summer before I moved. He put this on a mix CD he made me. 
  • Electric Feel-MGMT: Getting ready for work and putting on all of my winter gear to catch the bus.
  • Lullaby-Sia: Reminds me of the week straight that I'd come home and make fried chicken for myself while dancing around the kitchen all night. 
  • Snow-Red Hot Chili Peppers: This 3-day party I went to and how shitty I did at pong the first night. I kept saying "next time!" but I never made it in. 
  • Stay On The Ground-Armour For Sleep: This super long bus ride I took to Chicago to see this guy for the first time.
  • Insane In The Membrane-Cypress Hill: My dad dancing at my graduation party. 
  • Ice Cream Truck-Cazwell: The early part of last summer I spent with my best friend just dancing and playing in the pool.
  • Liar-Mumford And Sons: This playlist I have on my computer called "depressed". I listen to it whenever I feel down like it's supposed to make me feel better. It's funny how people do that.
  • I'll Be-Edwin McCain: Whenever I leave from visiting my friends I think of this because once I was on my way back and this started playing and I totally broke down. I'm not good at goodbyes. 
  • Little Numbers-BOY: When I would just walk around aimlessly and explore on my days off sometimes. I have a playlist for every occasion it seems like, and this is on my "taking a walk" playlist. 
  • Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy-Andrews Sisters: This reminds me of pretty much every time I've ever gotten ready. It just makes me want to get up and do something. 
  • Keep Your Head Up-Ben Howard: I used to have this spot I would sit at to think; It was at this dock on the lake. I would go during the winter or late at night when no one else was there. I played this song frequently.
  • She's Enough-Atmosphere: This guy I went to elementary school with. We found out that we both lived in the same state a while ago and after talking about what towns we lived in, we discovered that he was just near me at an Atmosphere show. Talk about bummer. 
  • Pretty Girls Make Raves-Young Statuses: This was on the playlist at my old job. It really makes me wish working there. I loved it so so much. 
  • Draw Japan-The Horrors: When I lived with my grandparents a few years ago, I would sit out in the car and talk to my aunt on the phone. She's my favorite family member aside from my brothers. 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father's Day With A Side Of Meltdown

Some fast facts on Father's Day to aid in your celebration:

  • Father's Day was founded in 1910 in Spokane, Washington by Sonora Smart Dodd
  • She got the idea from a Mother's Day sermon.
  • It's first celebration was held at the Spokane YMCA on June 9th, 1910.
  • Different countries have theirs on different days, for example, Russia hosts theirs on February 23rd and Portugal hosts theirs on March 19th (dia do Pai). 
  • Sonora chose June because that was the month of her father's birthday.
  • It became an official holiday in 1924 by President Coolidge and made permanent by president Nixon in 1972. 
  • creditcredit.  
Now, if that was of no interest to you, then i'll assume you're here for the "meltdown" portion of this post. If you're a first-time reader, I warn you that my ranting posts generally don't make a whole lot of sense unless you know me well enough because none of my ranting usually fits into one category, it's just whatever pops into my head from one sentence to the next. 

  • Anyway, for whatever reason, I woke up today feeling like a girl. Not that I always feel like a man, but on an emotional standpoint I feel more like a girl than usual today. I also really hope that people involved in my ranting will not read this, otherwise I will most likely regret posting... Though that's not enough to stop me from writing it. I gotta let loose and all that jazz. 
  • Back to the main topic: I feel like a girl in the sense that I'm feeling all low self-esteem and drainy and like I really need a hug with a gallon tub of Ben and Jerry's. 
  • I feel like for once I actually need advice from my best friend instead of the other way around... Which just doesn't happen often. Aside from this very moment, I just assume that everything fixes itself and go about with my daily life, but today I'm slightly less optimistic... Or possibly overly optimistic; however you want to look at it. 
  • I feel like I wish I had my life back and I wish my original plan that I was working towards for months wouldn't have been pushed back. 
  • I feel like I somehow stand a chance against the entire female population of the Midwestern portion of America. 
  • I feel like a hypocrite because I don't follow my own advice on certain matters, but preach them to others... Although I look to my friends for the same advice sometimes. 
  • I feel like even though I just quit my job, another better job will just show up even though it's off season. 
  • If I were granted three wishes from a magic genie I would wish 1: I could read minds for about 30 seconds 2: I would somehow make bank and enjoy whatever I'm doing to make it 3: I haven't thought of a good one yet... But I will. 
  • I feel like an idiot because I forgot to check the date to see when the 17th was until last night so I could pay my credit card on time, but what do you know... Today (SUNDAY) is the 17th...  So the bank is closed. 
  • I feel like I'm going to have a rough time finding an apartment with a job I haven't had for long (assuming I get a new one soon) along with my new shitty credit score thanks to my lack of real-life skills, like knowing what day it is. 

I know I should maybe feel embarrassed to post this, but seriously... Don't even tell me that you never have a bad day and never want to vent about it. 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

When Noses Meet Roses

That feeling when your alarm goes off in the morning and all of a sudden the springs sticking out of your mattress start to feel like laundry fresh out of the dryer... That's what everyone is searching for but passes up on a daily basis. Why not buy a new mattress so it can be comfy every day?
Of course I mean this in a metaphorical sense, though I'm sure we could all use more comfortable mattresses.What I really mean is that everyone is so focused on the big points in life (graduate college, get your dream job, get married, etc) that they lose sight of the little things along the way. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I wish I knew what I wanted for my future like everyone else, but in a sense I do. I'm just more focused on the little things that lead to happiness like getting stuff off my bucket list and all that jazz. So here's my new list (shortened of course) since I've done almost everything on my old list.
I'll start with the things on that list I haven't done and expand... Because now that I've read through it again, I've probably only done half of it. It has only been six months though, so I feel accomplished.

  • Go sky diving
  • Catch a bouquet at a wedding
  • Go an entire day without hurting myself
  • Horseback ride on the beach
  • Learn another language (entirely, not just bits of Japanese and Spanish)
  • Learn to clog dance
  • Go to the opera house in Sydney
  • Finish a novel
  • Volunteer in a third-world country
  • Dune buggy through the desert
  • Go paragliding
  • Attend an Anna Sui fashion show
  • See the Monalisa
  • Meet the Dalai Lama
  • Learn to sail
  • Attend the Super Bowl 
  • Experience tears of joy
  • Witness New Years Eve in Times Square
  • Swim across the English Channel
  • Perform as a street musician
There's actually quite a bit I haven't done... I want to add more small-goal things to my list though. 

  • Try bubble tea
  • Finish writing ANYTHING
  • Take ballet
  • Kiss in the rain
  • Find a pair of heels that don't give me terrible blisters
  • Find the perfect "little black dress"
  • Go portaledge camping
  • Learn at least enough Portuguese so I can speak to my family
  • Learn piano
  • Take belly dancing
  • Ride the Chicago ferris wheel
  • See a movie in Hollywood Forever Cemetery
  • Memorize the art of palm reading
  • Volunteer at a soup kitchen
  • Try writing a children's book
  • Stop working on the 3-year painting. It's done now.
  • Invent something
  • Go whale watching
  • Stay at a bed and breakfast
  • Learn to meditate
  • Take a cooking class
That's all I have for now. I'm sure no one cares to read fifty pages on things I want to do before I die. I'm also keeping up with my new years resolution to not do anything that doesn't make me happy, so i'm glad for that. What's on your bucket list? :)

Monday, June 11, 2012

Ridiculous Nonsense

So I'm currently on my four hour commute to work and just cashed in my Starbucks coffee bag for a free cup . On my second bus right now, and the only reason I mention that is because it oddly resembles the 70's porno sheets like the ones in a Super8 motel. It also smells like a nursing home... But that's off topic.
The real reason I'm posting this is to tell you about the dream I had last night; it was crazy. Not as crazy as the one I had about the Wiesel in a box, but pretty weird at least.
It starts off with my parents and I getting ready for bed in this old guys RV. He doesn't really have any significance so I don't know why he was there. Anyway, my parents just decide that instead of sleeping, we should just drive to Chicago and swim in the lake ( I also don't know where we lived in my dream because it seemed like days before we got there). So we arrive at a hotel downtown and instead of swimming, my mom sends me on a date with some guy she found online. So he takes me to a waterpark at which we play pool and eat shepherds pie and not swim at all. He ends up being super weird so I excuse myself and when I return, him and about 5 other people are dressed in scary costumes (like Día de los Muertos and that latex suit from American Horror Story) and were having a huge orgie party on this electric chair in the middle of the room.
It was borderline porno and should definitely be a series on HBO. Just saying.
Off to work I go! :)

There's also a guy puking in the back of the bus right now O.O

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Third Wheel: Extreme Edition

I came home yesterday afternoon to my crazy neighbor fighting with her boyfriend (or ex boyfriend?). I'd been told about her before I moved in, but didn't actually witness the craziness until now. First she threw her potted plants at him from atop the balcony, then she paced the hallway banging on my windows yelling for me to come outside. Out of fear that she would break the windows or the door, I came out and asked her if she needed any help. Bad idea. She dragged me to the end of the staircase and made me stand there while her and her boyfriend yelled across the parking lot... I'm not sure what help she thought I was to her by just standing there, but I just slowly disappeared back into my apartment and bolted the door. 
I went out to dinner last night, came home, and the cops were here trying to calm her down. 
Woke up this morning and she's outside my window yelling at him on the phone. 
Why am I always put into these situations? Let's just all be nice...

In the meantime, enjoy this funny photo I found :)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Sucker Is My Middle Name

First off, I'd just like to say that I'm not planning on permanently posting excessively. It's just that I have so much on my mind lately and it helps to put it on my blog. To me, this blog is where I can just jot down all of my thoughts... Which just happen to be very public. Having my thoughts public is a good thing because I do on occasion get emails with feedback or advice and I really do enjoy getting those, but it can also be a bad thing when whatever is on my mind involves people or places that everyone knows about. No secrets here. This post is actually one of those, and I've been telling myself not to do it, but I just can't hold things in. It reminds me of an episode of the Nickelodeon show "Victorious" (yes, I watch that sometimes) where one of the characters had to trick himself into telling someone something because he could not hold it in and was going crazy. It's kind of like that. I used to simply turn all of my feelings and thoughts into poetry, but lately this has been having the same effect so I'm not complaining.
I actually don't even know what to really start with other than that this post still holds truth... And it sucks a little bit. Actually a lot. No matter how hard I try I can't get it off my mind, not that I really want to, but just to take a step back and be sure things aren't one-sided. Honestly, I'm really trying to disregard every cheesey comment I would like to replace these words with. I think sometimes I can be overly cheesey and I feel like I make people puke a little bit in their mouths. I'm not going to properly end this, because in truth I could go on and on... But I can say that I feel so much better even knowing that I haven't even put a title on this yet, much less published it.

Salty Eyes

It's 6:30 in the morning, and i'm waking up earlier and earlier each day. The first thing I thought of this morning (other than why am I up at 6:30) was, why do we cry when we're sad/happy/whatever? So of course I googled it.
According to WebMD:

  • On an emotional standpoint it means you need to address something because you have a build up of emotions. 

According to Wikipedia:

  • Tears produced during emotional crying contain more hormones than regular tears.
  • There are only theories on why people cry at a scientific standpoint. 
  • For example: William H. Frey of University of Minnesota believes that people feel better after crying because it releases a build up of hormones.
  • Based on a study of over 300 adults, men cry an average of once a month and women cry at least five.
  • There are three types of tears: Basal, Lacrimal and Reflexive. Basal tears are simply made to keep the eye lubricated and are produced at a rate of 1 to 2 microliters a minute. Reflexive tears are made in response to something irritating the eye. Psych tears are due to an emotional state. 
Didn't really answer my question properly, but it was interesting nonetheless... To me anyway.

Bet you loved reading that ;)

Also, I hope I can actually start sleeping like a normal person soon... I don't know why I address it as if it's a talent, but if it were considered a super power, I'd wish for that one first. Then I'd wish I could pause time.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Spill Your Soul

I just realized that I can see how many people view each post on my page... I really need to learn how to properly use the websites I have accounts on. Anyway, I was surprised to see how many people actually read my posts. It honestly makes me feel slightly uncomfortable that all these people are inside my head, but I'm the one who makes my thoughts public. I just can't hold anything in... Which is partly the main purpose of this post.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't tell people the things I do. I always say that if you have something on your mind just get it out, but I get so nervous before hand. That must be a sign that I should keep things to myself right? This morning I actually called my mom to tell her that I wanted to move... Which I definitely shouldn't have told her because my parents are totally against me moving anywhere they don't like themselves. I suppose I shouldn't be scared to tell people whats on my mind though.
Also, I'm not a big fan of Spirit Airlines; It truly was a low budget flight. The seats were so close together that I couldn't put my legs down all the way and I got seated between two very large, very smelly people for a four hour flight. I felt like a creeper as well because I was nearly in the guys lap next to me trying to see out the window... He should have just traded me seats. That would've been lovely. I think I will definitely pay the extra money for a good seat next time.
For all the viewers out there: Send me some feedback! Leave a comment!

Side note: I didn't need my pro/con list like I said I did. I made my mind up this morning. It's like when I go to a restaurant and pick what I want to eat, I hurry up and close the menu so I don't change my mind... I feel sort of like that. Mostly because I know that no matter what, someone will disagree with my choices.  But I need to start living for myself and not other people.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Goodnight Chicago

So, I'm listening to John Denver because I felt it was appropriate on my way to the airport. This is my third vacation in the last three months, so i'm keeping up with my once a month vacation resolution I made. I think this may be my favorite out of the last three. Though mostly uneventful, I enjoyed seeing all the people I care most about. I love California, but I love my friends and family much more so it was a grand vacation for me.
Everything else in my life is pretty much the same, though I am making more money right now than I have in the past so wherever I decide to move will probably happen by the end of August if everything goes smoothly, so fingers crossed there. As to where I'll move, I'll probably decide based on a pro/con list that really won't be the basis of my decision at all but will simply make my risky choices seem less risky in my mind. That would be on the pro side of my "Reasons to not tie yourself down anywhere" list. Freedom is a good thing I think... When you have just enough of it. Anyway, I'm going to continue with my John Denver music marathon and I'll post again soon. I need to get back into the habit.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

My Not So Mid-Life Crisis

Blogging is totally just people like me, writing what they think, so that we feel like someone is listening... Or in this case reading. The truth of the matter is, it's not just so that it's read, it's so that you're telling someone so that you simply get it off your chest. That's how it is for me anyway. My posts are almost always either me ranting about whatever popped into my mind or some experiment of some sort i'm conducting. This is one of those "ranting about whatever popped into my mind" kind of posts.
If the title isn't clear enough, I've fallen into a sort of mid-life crisis... which isn't in the middle of my life (or I hope not at least) but it's still a crisis. Mid of mid-life crisis perhaps? Anyway, the one time I truly felt like I had a plan and everything was going to go smoothly, nothing ends up going smoothly. I officially don't know the answer to anything and I feel like i'm sort of floating around here and there until something sticks. Without even a small goal or something to work toward, it's like life holds no meaning. It's just the same thing repeating itself; a broken record. I sometimes wonder if I will ever figure out what I want or if I will continue on like I always have. Perhaps I need a life changing experience like Julia Roberts in "Eat Pray Love".

On a side note; It's probably extremely abnormal to not be able to stay anywhere or stick with anything right? It's also gotten worse. I think my philosophy that everything fixes itself is failing me.

I also believe that i've become a crazy cat lady @.@

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Free Willy

My blog has been quite dead lately, so my apologies go out to the people who actually read this.

Lets see... Highlights: Moved to California a few weeks ago. I flew out here on the fourth, flew back ten days later, then drove back again for a little road trip with my road trip partner. We hit Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona and Nevada.

Some tid bits from each place:

  • Iowa: Decided to camp during extreme weather conditions and the tent almost blew away... Actually it did at first. 
  • Nebraska: Road construction through THE WHOLE STATE. They were re-paving the roads, so instead of doing one side and then the other, they decided to just tear up every lane resulting in a flat tire. Lucky us, there isn't a shop for miles so we have to go to a farming depot in a town that doesn't even have paved roads. I don't miss Nebraska. 
  • Colorado: Colorado is by far my favorite state out of the trip. Being a short-lived Colorado native, I love everything about it. If I didn't have to live in a major metropolitan area for my recent career, I would move back there in a heart beat. We hit up the Denver zoo and downtown Denver, hiked up the Rockies, saw some snow, visited Manitou Springs and Garden Of The Gods... I do miss Colorado. 
  • New Mexico: We didn't spend a lot of time here, but we stopped through Santa Fe and Albuquerque so I could get some Indian fry bread. 
  • Arizona: While on the way to visit my Grandma, we stopped at Bedrock... Yes, Bedrock. Then we went to the Grand Canyon, met my Grandma's new boyfriend and headed to LAS VEGAS.
  • Nevada: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Just kidding... The most exciting thing I did was gamble on the machines. 

climbed that like a boss

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Oh My Word

Photos from Crystal Renn's new platinum locks. My mind is completely blown. When People magazine asked about her new transformation she replied that she simply wanted a different look. In all honesty... I hate it. TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT BACK!


Sunday, April 8, 2012

That's What I Thought

To all the guys who think romance is simply treating a girl to an upscale evening:

You're wrong.

You don't need to be just like a Disney movie; it's not realistic. Being romantic can be something as little as leaving a flower on her pillow before you leave for work in the morning or holding her hand when you're out in public. Anything that is personal to her qualifies; anything that shows you actually put thought into it.

Sure, we'd still appreciate going out to a fancy dinner, but try this: purchase a bottle of wine, dress up and take her to a picnic. Light some candles. Do it outside and project a movie on the wall or read her a book. It's just as elegant but means more because you had to create the surrounding and not just pay for someone else to do it. If we went to fancy restaurants all the time, they would mean less and less every time you took us.

You know what else is romantic? Being a gentleman. Using the excuse, "I just wasn't raised that way" doesn't cut it. If you can say that, then you realize that you aren't trying. You are capable of being nice to women without having someone teach you to do so. I'm sure Google has multiple pages on being a gentleman. Open/close her car door for her, walk her to where ever she's going, lend a hand when necessary (both figuratively and actually). It's not very difficult.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Stone Age

Out of curiosity, I decided to look up the origin of birth stones this morning and here's what I found:

Birthstones date back as early as the Assyrian Empire (1400 BC). They believed the stones contained magical properties. For example, Amethyst was said to prevent intoxication. Each stone is associated with each Zodiac sign and is based on a color system (which was thought to release the power within the stone).

Facts and folklore regarding each stone:
  • January- Garnet/rose quartz- Also represents second year of marriage- Are found in every color except blue- Noah supposedly hung Garnet on his ark for guidance in the night and protection from nightmares- Found in the U.S., Sri Lanka, Africa, Brazil and India. 
  • February- Amethyst/Onyx/Moonstone- Represents sixth year of marriage- Comes in varying shades of purple- Like mentioned earlier, prevents intoxication- Some say it also prevents baldness, improves complexion and protects against treason- Found in Brazil, Uruguay and Zambia.
  • March- Aquamarine (also known as bloodstone)- Represents nineteenth year of marriage- Seen in varying colors of blue, green and grey- In ancient times was said to aid seafarers, bring love and affection and is the universal sign for youth, hope and health- Found in Brazil, Nigeria, Zambia, Madagascar and Ukraine. Bloodstone is seen in deep greens and is said to contain red specs representing Jesus's blood that fell from the cross- Is the official stone for Aries. 
  • April- Diamond/Quartz- Aside from the most popular gem for engagement, Diamonds also represent tenth and sixtieth years of marriage- Comes from the Greek word "adamas" meaning an eternity of love- India natives thought them to be splinters from the stars- Occasionally found in greens, pinks and yellows- Most durable of all the stones
  • May- Emerald/Chrysophase/Beryl- Represents twentieth and thirty-five years of marriage- When looked under a microscope, Emerald is seen containing patterns resembling a garden known as the "jardin"- According to legend, wearing Emerald ups your I.Q. and prevents poor eyesight and infertility- Also is said to enable the wearer to see into the future- Found in Columbia, Brazil, Zambia and Zimbabwe. 
  • June- Pearl/Moonstone/Opal (also known as Alexandrite)- Represents third and thirtieth years of marriage- recognized as the emblem of modesty, chastity and purity- Found in Indonesia and Australia- Alexandrite is extremely rare- Moonstone is found in The Alps, Brazil, India, Madagascar, Mexico, Sri Lanka and the U.S. to name a few.
  • July- Ruby/Carnelian- Represents fifteenth and fortieth year of marriage- Known as the "Lord of the Gems" due to it's rarity and beauty- Comes from the latin word "ruber" meaning red- Said to protect their owners from misfortune of any kind- Found in Burma, Sri Lanka, Thailand, Vietnam and Kenya to name a few.
  • August- Peridot- Represents sixteenth year of marriage- A child of volcanic activity- Were favored by pirates and said to protect against all evil- When set in gold, the wearer protected from all evils of the night- Found in Burma and china
  • September- Sapphire- Represents fifth and forty-fifth years of marriage- Comes in all colors except red- Just as durable as diamond, makes it the second popular gem for engagement- Ancient priests and sorcerers honored Sapphire over any other because of it's ability to aid in oracles and foretelling the future- The ten commandments are believed to have been written on a Sapphire tablet- Found in Sri Lanka, Thailand, Cambodia and Australia to name a few.
  • October- Opal/Tourmaline- Represents fourteenth year of marriage- White Opal has a white body and flashes of many other colors- Symbolizes hope, innocence and purity- In the middle ages, fair-haired girls wore Opal in their hair to protect its color- Is said to have a beneficial effect on eyesight and banish evil spirits- Found in Australia, Mexico and the U.S.- Tourmaline comes in many colors; primarily pink and green- Found in Africa, Brazil, Madagascar and Mexico to name a few.
  • November- Topaz/Citrine- Blue represents fourth year of marriage and Imperial represents twenty-third- Comes from the Greek word meaning "to shine"- Said to cure Asthma, restore sanity, relieve insomnia and even make its wearer invisible in time of emergency- Found in Brazil, Nigeria, Sri Lanka, China and Pakistan.
  • December- Turquoise/Zircon- Represents eleven years of marriage- Comes in varying colors of blue and green- Means "Turkish stone" because of its trade route to Europe via Turkey- Best qualities are found in Iran, though the U.S. it the top seller- Used as a currency in the 16th Century by the Southwest Indians- Thought to bring animals to the hunter and good fortune to all- Zircon is used to imitate diamonds but comes in many colors- Found in Australia, Brazil, Cambodia, France, etc. 
Hope you enjoyed this! If you are interested in reading more.
I will also be conducting an experiment regarding zodiac signs and their traits via Facebook and email so keep a look out! 

Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Best Thing I've Ever Seen

Kate Moss, Justin Timberlake and Marc Jacobs all in one photo. I just died and went to Vogue heaven. Now if only I could replace Justin with Johnny Depp... 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Thanks To Facebook

Saw this on Facebook just now. Thoughts?

Friday, March 23, 2012

Just On My Mind...

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" -Mahatma Gahndi

I've recently forgiven an old friend; I am always quick to forgive no matter what the circumstances, but sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as being too forgiving. Time and again I am told to stop being a walking doormat, but I just can't stay angry at people. Forgiveness is not the same as trust; though both have to be earned in my book, trust I find quite a lot harder to find in people. I think it's just part of growing and learning. It's not healthy to hold a grudge against other people. I honestly love everyone and just want to be happy as much as possible, and that's easier to achieve through forgiveness.
I do feel like, though, that me "seeing the best in people" is all in my head because I've befriended some of the absolute worst people and it took me so long to realize that they were more harmful to me than anything. I just can't shake that feeling that I need to be kind and make peace. What can I say, I enjoy being a softy.

On the other end of the scale, I'm moving in two weeks and I couldn't be more in denial. This whole time I've been searching for "home" and the answer was always to just relocate and start over, but I realized that the saying "Home isn't where you are, but who you're with" holds some truth. I may hate the midwest but I've met some of the most wonderful people here, including my very best friend who is just two hours away. Don't get me wrong; traveling is my ultimate passion. I love photography, but really which ever career allows me to travel is ideal. I just want to know what to tell people when they ask me where home is. I don't think that's really all that much to ask for, is it? I just want to know that when I break from my travels, that I have people that I love to come back to; not just a vacation spot.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Spring Time Is Here!

Twice in a row now I've gone to watch the sun set but faced the wrong direction... Actually, no. Madison put the bench on the wrong side of the lake. Thats it!

Anyway, I know I haven't posted in a while so I'm here to update you all. I've got two weeks left here and have been doing photo shoots like crazy, working at Hco not as much as I'd like and am in complete denial about moving. Happens every time. 

Can you be super psyched and super depressed at the same time?

Tell me your plans for summer!!!

Monday, March 12, 2012

My Take On Buddhism

I'm just gonna dive right in and not even bother telling you how or where I came up with this, because I'm not too sure myself.

So, basically, I think whole reasoning behind Buddhism is that it's built around this concept of teaching people a lesson through metaphors and reverse psychology. The reverse psychology is this: From my perspective, they're basically telling you that in order to achieve true happiness and nirvana is to literally feel nothing; that all these other emotions are getting in the way. Really though, this stands as a sort of riddle, and we're supposed to realize from this that there is no such thing as true happiness, because without all these other emotions we can't truly FEEL happy; we wouldn't know the difference. So, all these monks are really just some dudes that didn't solve the riddle and are left in the dark, still searching for the nirvana that will never come.

Note: If anything, this isn't the legit teachings of Buddhism (which is likely), but I at least learned a little something from it... So, it's totally cool if you're Buddhist.

Why yes, I am a philosopher. No, I am not drunk. Tut tut. :)

Friday, March 9, 2012

California Dreamin'

So, in less than a month I'll be back in good ole Los Angeles. I have mixed feelings about it; mostly because I usually travel by choice and not because I have to, but it's a love/hate thing. I'm excited to go back home and feel the sunshine... Also, be around friendly people and good food. To be honest, i've never been a fan of the Midwest, but like they say, it's not where you are but who you're with. I will miss a lot of people, but this is who I am. I won't be gone all that long though; Just until July or August. I'll soak up as much sun as possible and be back. In my mind it doesn't seem very long, but we'll see how it plays out. Time just seems to fly by for me, but for others drags on. I'm due for a family visit though, and those of you who know me well, know how close my attachment is to the ocean... So it will be nice to be reunited. Expect lots of photos and stories posted to keep you guys up to date.

Much love

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

It's Always Something

I have only two things on my mind right now:

  1. Why the hell can't I handle failure like a normal person instead of completely falling apart?
  2. Why can't I make this damn decision? I usually just take the most risky one and roll with it, but I'm actually torn between the two for once. What am I supposed to do, make a "Pro/Con" list? That's not me. 
Note: Sorry for shitty posts lately. I always just write what ever is on my mind, but lately what's on my mind is unfortunately not entertaining. I will be back to more entertaining posts shortly... And by shortly I mean most likely the end of April when I've (hopefully) figured my life out. That's my set goal right now.

I am also switching the name of this blog to my old blog name, because I no longer use the old one. Same stuff, different name. No biggie.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

You Don't Even Look At Me Looking My Best

This would normally not be something I'd make public, but I'm to the point where I don't care about anything anymore, so whatever. Venting is good sometimes.
I'm sick of:
my roommates
my job
running away
being helpless
trying so hard
achieving nothing

It's the worst feeling in the world to not be able to help yourself and to not have anywhere to go. I sometimes wish that I were a child again so my worries would only include who I'd play with at recess. I scare myself all the time because of the desperate thoughts that run through my mind. There's so many simple things that I want, yet so many necessary, difficult things that I need and they don't mix well. I found myself considering replying to a "personals" ad on craigslist today because I'm so desperate for cash. I always told my self that it would never come to that, but I don't know where else to turn. I'm going insane. Being homeless again wouldn't be that bad if it weren't the middle of winter. The things that I want are so simple, but so complicated at the same time. They're just too old-fashioned for todays society and the things I should know...  or should have an idea of... I fall completely short. I have no idea what I want and no idea what to do about anything, ever. I'm just a pussy and travel constantly so I don't have to deal with anything, just like my parents. I used to be so optimistic that no one wanted to be around me, but now I'm more pessimistic than ever. On the rare occasion that I'm happy, it's gone before I remember what it felt like. I constantly live in a dream.
I try so hard to make everyone else happy and to seem strong but I don't feel like either of those things, and I wish I did. In my head, the perfect solution is to be a beach bum for a few months and find myself, but that's not a realistic plan. I have no answers. My finger tips always just brush my goals and then some catastrophe strikes and it gets even further away and continues. I find that my fingers never brush them again. I am told that I'm being stubborn if I don't ask for help, but even if I decided to, who the hell would I ask?
I'm aware that who ever decides to read this will think I am crazy, but honestly, I don't give a crap anymore. I just want to be free.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Portaledge Camping = Love

I need to do this RIGHT NOW. It's my official goal. Let's get some portaledge gear and go do this!!!

Check out this video of these guys doing it! 

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Hey Girl Hey

I went and had coffee with my good friend Michael* just a couple days ago and somehow we got on to the topic of weird and unnecessary (in his opinion) things that girls do. I'm going to break down a few things on his list and explain exactly why they are very necessary... And possibly weird.

Weird things that girls do:

  • "Act mad when we [guys] ask what's wrong and say 'nothing'" 
Okay. If something is wrong and we reply with "nothing", it's obviously not nothing and most likely has something to do with you. If it's not your doing, then we're waiting for you to read our minds. Not joking either. If you can't guess, we simply want you to shut up and hold us. Done deal.

  • "Does this dress make me look fat?" 
There is no correct answer to this. You will always be wrong. If you reply with no, then you are automatically lying which means we look fat. If you reply with yes, then it's off with your head. If you say nothing, then you clearly think we look fat and can also turn into an argument as to why you don't hear what we say. Unfortunately, I have no advice for you on this one. 

  • "Girls always go to the bathroom together"
If we go to the bathroom together it's because we have something private to discuss that guys can't hear, and sometimes we actually use the bathroom. There is nothing weird going on and we don't need a babysitter. Just clearin' that up.

  • "They take FOREVER to get ready"
I personally think I can get ready fairly quickly, but if I were given hours, I would take every single minute to get ready. It's not that we're not capable of getting ready sooner, it's just that in our minds, getting ready is often way better than what ever we're getting ready for. It's also a time to mentally prepare. YOU CANT RUSH US or it will literally ruin the entire outing. In a 3 hour period, I'll usually spend about 45 minutes getting ready and the remaining time checking myself in the mirror, dancing to music, playing what i'm going to do/say in my head, checking the time constantly, and whatever else feels right for what ever i'm going to. It's all completely necessary for me to have a good time. 

  • "Girls always dress slutty but then yell at me if I tell them they look slutty"
I think the only time in my life that I look slutty intentionally is if i'm going clubbing. If you're going clubbing you're not going to wear a turtle neck sweater and jeans. Also, we have it in our minds that guys only find us attractive if we're half naked. So when you tell us, "hey you look very slutty tonight", that's like, "you look super hideous and I wouldn't like you if you were the last woman on earth". We just want to hear that we look beautiful/pretty/stunning etc. 

  • "Why do girls own so many different bras and underwear?"
One reason. They're pretty and they make us feel that way as well. If I wore the same bra every day I would feel like Plain Jane. Plus, do you really want to see us in the same get up every time we come over?

  • "Girls say that they want a 'nice guy' but always really want jerks. Hypocrites"
I've definitely posted about this before, but basically, it's not that we don't want "nice guys" it's just that we're initially attracted to the "bad boy". It's just the way it works. It sounds complicated, but really, it's not about being a jerk, it's about being the right amount of cute (sentimental) and mysterious... And a little bit badass/manly (or at least make it seem like you are). We don't want to feel like you'd leave us in the dust if we were put in an unsafe situation. The guy that says everything we want to hear ALL the time just gets a little boring. There's a difference between being a gentleman and being boring. 

  • "Why do girls always tell you the opposite of what they mean and never tell you whats actually on their minds?"
Exactly what I said earlier. We want you to read our mind. We want you to get the hint and figure it out because in some complicated way it means that we're worth it to you. Trust me, I realize how incredibly stupid that sounds, but we're just wired that way. I really do try to just be straight up, and sometimes I am, but most of the time, I talk in riddles just like every other girl. We also think that you talk in riddles too so we over-analyse EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAY. So watch how you say things. We have feelings too. 

  • "Girls always act dumb."
Girls who act dumb, usually are dumb or they think that you'll like them better if they're ditzy. We're raised thinking that intelligence makes you lame, though we outgrow that as we get older (most of us do anyway).

Alright, well that's enough for this post. It was actually quite entertaining to talk about weird things that girls do, and some that I do as well. Have any to add? Drop a comment.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Writers Block

So, since I've hit writers block (hence the title), I'm going to use this nifty "Blog Post Generator" a friend sent me and write about whatever pops up, even if it's silly. Ready. Set. Go.

Random Post #1: 5 Things That Irritate Me About Lemons (this will be quite difficult I think).

  1. EVERY SINGLE TIME I pierce the lemon in any way, it gets in my eye. 
  2. They make everything else taste sweet, even when I don't want it to. 
  3. They're not peaches or mangoes.
  4. They don't grow here.
  5. Mars doesn't have lemons either. 
Random Post #2: Gender Issues That Suck
  1. The Wage Gap - Seriously what's up with that?
  2. Feminists- You want equal rights but still expect to be treated like a lady? Make up your damn mind. 
  3. Domestic Violence- Based on a survey done in July 2000, there were an estimated 25,677,735 female victims versus the 7,327,092 male victims. Buff up ladies!
  4. Gender Roles - Hey, it's part of life. Deal. 
  5. Anti-Gay Marriage - Who. Fucking. Cares. If you're in love, you're in love. 
  6. Death Row Penalty Men vs. Women - Nuff said.
Well... That felt more like homework, but ya know. Hopefully I'll come up with something more exciting to talk about next time!

A side note: these are just for fun, so no hate mail please and thank you. 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

So, my favorite manager and the only good reason I even show up to work quit today... I kind of want to cry. If the replacement is as much of a bitch as my other manager, I'm likely to quit. Okay, probably not... but if I didn't need the transfer, I definitely would have quit today. Work is just going to be so awkward and not fun anymore. :(
But back to reality; I need to find a way to make absolute bank in about two months. Hit me with some ideas. I'm open to just about anything short of standing on the corner, so throw 'em at me!
Oh, and making meth is also out. I'm not very good at chemistry. (watching Breaking Bad right now).

Thursday, February 16, 2012

And He Said That My Eyes Were Gleamin'

 I find myself restless at approximately 11:19 PM due to something on my mind that needs attention.

The majority of my posts relate to me giving out my advice to matters that I feel are relatable, but what if I personally need advice? Will my followers be there to guide me? I suppose i'll find out.

A few days ago, I posted about love and telling people how you feel no matter what, but this poses a problem for me at times because I am most often not good at putting my feelings to words in a way that makes sense. To me, actions do speak louder than words but what if you don't have the power to use actions at this moment and have to resort to words? I find that my thoughts through words lack meaning when it comes to my love life.  I'm going to try my absolute best and i'm going to be absolutely honest even if it sounds ridiculous. I've been known to be ridiculous. Here it goes:

If this person were to write a book entitled, "how to make a girl fall for you in one date", they would receive a Grammy Award. And yes, they don't typically give those out for books, so this is a big deal.
This person confuses me in the best way possible. In a way that makes me scared but fearless at the same exact time.
This person is constantly fluttering from beneath the lids of my eyes making it difficult to sleep, but easy to day dream for hours on end, no matter the time.
This person makes me feel like I'm watching a private showing of a Disney movie; starring him and myself.
This person makes me half expect fireworks to miraculously appear before me every time our fingers brush.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder; Is that all this is, or is it more?
And who are "they" anyway?

Okay, so I can be a bit dramatic on top of ridiculous, but you get the point. Advice anyone?

And if this person is a follower of mine, I do apologize for possibly scaring you as well. Simply pretend we're in middle school and consider this a "secret admirer" note, only not so secret and not scribbled in poor hand writing with a sparkly gel pen.

The most forward girl on the face of the earth

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Ranting about my job

I've come to the conclusion that my manager is satan in flip flops. I'm not even kidding. Here's a list of things I did wrong during a 5 hour period:

  • Ringing the door bell twice. Sorry but I felt that it was necessary to ring it a second time seeing as if I waited any longer after the first I would've been late. 
  • Telling a girl that we're hiring. Apparently we only accept applications from people who look like Victorias Secret models and have an IQ score of 25. 
  • Not getting a 4 hour job done in 30 minutes. 
  • Doing a 4 hour job in 2 hours but it didn't look "perfect". If you want it to look perfect than let me take the time to do it like it says on the write-up. 
  • Forgetting a sensor on a sweater and a fragrance out of the 4 heaping bags that a woman purchased. It's an honest mistake. Who buys 57 sweaters anyway?
  • Wouldn't work another extra shift because I didn't have money to eat. Sorry, but I can't go more than a few hours without eating or I have a seizure. Next time i'll plan on blacking out at work; that's my favorite.  
  • Got checked out by her boyfriend while leaving the store. This is really out of my hands and frankly, thats your problem if your boyfriend checks out other women in front of you, no need to yell at me because of it. I'm also not interested in 30-something year olds. 
Reasons I stay working here:

  • We only accept applications from people who look like Victorias Secret models. Sure it's unfair, but I certainly won't complain about having attractive co-workers. 
  • It's always toasty, smells delicious, and I get to pretend it's summer every day while staring at the Huntington Beach surf cam. 
  • It's the closest thing I have to being a stylist. 
  • I can sing as loud as I want because the music literally vibrates the room. 

Friday, February 10, 2012

Come To Baby Do

A great amount of my friends look to me for advice, not on practical matters, but their love lives. I don't pretend to know anything about love, but after much thinking, here's what I do know:

  • Sometimes you just need someone to tell you, "everything's gonna be okay". You think you need someone to hold you up, but you really just need reassurance, no matter who it's from. 
  • I think everyone has a mental list of their "perfect mate", but sometimes you have to give to receive. Unfortunately things don't roll out on a red carpet like your favorite Disney movie. Your dream man or woman is not going to just show up at your doorstep and decide they love you. Really. I mean it. 
  • Don't hold back your feelings. I'm tired of everyone's bullshit excuse, "well I don't know if he/she likes me yet". Well find out! Tell them how you feel. The worst that can happen is that they don't feel the same way, and if that's whats scaring you; Do you really want to be in a false relationship anyway?
  • Don't worry about being nervous. Butterflies are perfectly normal and so are: tripping over your own feet, running your words together, racing hearts, sweaty palms, etc. Those are the good moments and they happen to everyone. EMBRACE IT. 
  • Let it be. Go with your gut and don't over think everything. The things that often run through our minds, "I shouldn't like them this much already, should I?", "Okay, first date was great. Wait... What does that mean?", "Is it weird that i'm imagining our one-year anniversary right now?", etc. CALM DOWN. If you like them, then go for it. Just to be safe though, don't start planning your first borns name just yet. 
  • Patience is a virtue. Yes, I know that's the one piece of advice that everyone pushes to the back of their minds, but when it comes to love, shouldn't it be worth the wait? There are no short cuts to places worth going. 
  • Decide whether it's "a love" you want or simply to "be loved". There is a difference. Just being with someone to occupy your time so you don't feel lonely isn't love. Being with someone because they're the only one you want to be with IS. 
  • Love yourself before you love others. Seriously, it's a piece of cake. No, bake yourself a cake. Pick a side of your favorite ice cream and perhaps a nice glass of Chardonnay. Take a bubble bath. Dance around the house naked (or in your best underwear). The possibilities are endless. You CAN reach nirvana wearing just socks. 
  • It's okay to want the Cinematic romance and the grand gestures. I know for a fact that i'm not the only one who wishes my life was like a romantic comedy. It may not be exactly like you imagine, but that moment is worth waiting for. Don't just settle. Soar. Set your sights just a little high, and you'll be surprised with the outcome. Chivalry is most certainly not dead; open your eyes a bit wider. 
Additions? Comments? Throw 'em at me. 

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Stop Me And Steal My Breath

Just got back from vacation in Chicago; and yes i'm aware that I was just on vacation a couple weeks ago as well. It was much needed, which slightly worries me. Since birth, I've moved around about once every year, and I feel that I've developed a habit for it. As easy as it is to just start over, I can't help but see it as a bad habit. In a way though, I think thats what makes me who I am. I like to be free. Perhaps I should look into investing in a house-boat?
Back to the original topic: I had a wonderful time and look forward to my next vacation, which is approximately 4 weeks away. Ahhh yeah :)

Saturday, January 21, 2012

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.

I have not written in a few weeks and that is because I just got back from my vacation in Florida! Now, because St. Valentine's Day is coming up, I thought I would post some V-Day traditions as well as history of it's birth (there are varying stories).
St. Valentine's Day started during the Roman Empire and was a holiday to honor Juno, the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The lives of boys and girls were very nearly always separate, except on this day at the celebration, the boys would draw a name of a girl with whom he would spend the remainder of the night with. Later, the Christian Church in Rome took up this holiday in honor of Saint Valentine, the patron saint of lovers. Another story tells that St. Valentine, a Roman who was martyred for not giving up his Christianity, and died on February 14, 269 AD, after leaving a farewell note to a woman signed, "From your valentine".
A Few Traditions:

  • The first Valentine's Day cards are given credit to Miss Esther Howland, who is named the mother of American Valentine's Day cards.
  • Hundreds of years ago in England, children would dress up as adults as go caroling. One verse they would sings is: "Good morning to you, Valentine; curl your locks as I do mine-- Two before and three behind. Good morning to you, Valentine."
  • Like the Roman tradition, in the Middle Ages, young men and women would draw a heart with their Valentines name on it and wear it on their sleeve for a week. (which now means it's easy to read your emotions).
  • In some countries a woman may receive a gift of clothing from a man; should she decide to keep it, means that she will marry him.
  • It is said that if a woman sees a robin flying over head on V-Day it means you will marry a sailor. If a sparrow, she will marry a poor man but be very happy. If a goldfinch, she will marry a wealthy man. 
  • Valentines Day is the day to look for a date, based on the English custom stating that birds find their mates on February 14th. 
  • Before the 16th Century, gloves were worn exclusively by men. On Valentine's Day, if a woman went up to a man and said "Good-morrow Valentine, I go today; to wear for you what you must pay; a pair of gloves next Easter day" he would have to buy her a pair of gloves to wear on Easter.
  • In the 1700's, rural Englishwomen would pin bay leaves to each corner of their pillows, as well as one in the middle, in hopes that on the eve of Valentine's Day their future husbands would appear to them in a dream.
  • In the 19th century, because it is said that on the Leap Year a woman can propose marriage, if a man received a Valentine on the Leap Year, he could trace it through the mail and would be entitled to accept her assumed proposal if she could provide proof that she was able to manage a modern mansion on her own.