Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Madison Square Park

I heard a quote yesterday that said a writer has experienced enough in their life by the time they're 20 to last a lifetime. While that may be true, I feel that now I am a different person entirely and should write in my current mindset, right?

This quote either doesn't resonate with me because I am in complete and utter denial of the last 21 years of my life, or I am not a writer of any sort and I'm nothing but an asshole with a notebook on a bench in Madison Square Park.

My headphones play the sound of my favorite song. 
They play the sound of rustling leaves on the busy sidewalk. 
They play the sound of lovers holding hands in the park. 
In the streets behind me, my headphones play a sweet lullaby sung from car engines and bicycles whirring. 
As the city hums this sweet tune, I stay here recording it's thoughts. 
For the city is much wiser than I and my headphones are my seeing eye. 

Another Unfinished Thought

11:33pm -- The exact moment my lips unwillingly part from yours.
A dull pain deep in my chest brought on by the closing of subway doors and screeching of train gears turns more agonizing by the second.
I close my eyes so that the sight of you might remain fresh in my mind but when they open, my memory has already begun to fade.
The empty streets mourn your loss as I pull my sweater tight around me.
Sorrow paints my eyes with goodbyes...
I'm likely to drown.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

A Writers End

I do a sort of writing exercise with myself weekly; I pick any object and try to write about it as if I'm describing it to someone who has never seen or heard of it before. However, I read this quote (above) today and it made me realize that there are a lot of things that we just can't accurately describe.

Writers are sort of explorers in the sense that they are always looking for new ways of arranging the language for others to better understand and they are inventing new words so that we can describe more things, but I think its really beautiful that we can't put everything into words. It means that some things in life can't be fully explored through writing alone. Nothing will ever be just like experiencing it in person and you can never gain back a moment that you've lost.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Center of the Universe

Well, I've finally finished out my life-long dream of moving to NYC and pursuing my career in fashion. Cliche, I know, and what's worse is the painful truth I've come to realize is paired with this kind of life. From the outside looking in it seems lavish; All the parties (VIP of course), a rent-free loft with an amazing view and to put it simply (aside from my regular modeling work), I make money by looking pretty at clubs and events.I wanted to be a part of this life for so long and now that I have it, I'm not sure what to do with it.

When I'm not working or going to events, I realize how alone I actually am. I'm successful in my career and I've made all of these selfish decisions to get me here and now I get to enjoy it by myself. I've become the person I hate but at the same time, I know I need this life. I've never lived a life of simplicity and I know that that isn't what I want either.

I guess this is growing up. 

Monday, July 14, 2014

Even My Note Pad Thinks I'm Crazy

Sometimes I think of things that only my notepad can see but now I'm sharing them with all of you. Why? I'm not sure, but enjoy anyway.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

FP Love Stories

I remember sharing the very first video from this series on Free People's blog and I've been keeping up with all the beautiful stories they post. I really liked this one I saw today because... Well just watch it. You won't be sorry.

You can check out the rest of the story that accompanies the video here. Enjoy!

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Reasons Why Modeling Is The Least Glamorous Job. Ever.

Your bank account is perpetually in the negative

Yeah, some of your jobs pay a lot but you also owe your agency money that you haven't even made yet because of that one time they flew you to France or when they paid for your first photo shoot. The only thing that kind of makes up for it is all the free swag you collect and bottle service at all the clubs. 

Forget having a relationship 

Picture this: You and your boyfriend/girlfriend are having a great time celebrating your one year anniversary. You're at the park having a picnic and discussing your exciting vacation plans when your phone rings; It's your agent telling you that you have this really exciting job offer on Mars and have to leave tomorrow morning. Well now what? 

Living arrangements resemble a cross between the Black Market and your college dorm

When you see a model's Twitter update that says something like: "Flying to Barcelona this morning for this really amazing fashion show you'll never get to go to #yolo" you usually assume she's flying first class and ordering room service every day of the trip. The harsh reality is (most of the time) you're basically staying in a hostel just for models. There's a shared room with 2-4 girls on bunk beds covered in Fossil bags, 7 inch heels and whatever latest diet fad can be diluted in a glass of water.

Everyone wants you to burn in a fire 

Not literally (I hope) but the competition is real. There is no such thing as having model BBF's... Not really anyway. Also, can we discuss the snoodiness that goes on a fashion shows? Literally everyone in the industry hates you, except for that one time you shared your diet Coke with Lisa. 

Body images are always changing 

One year it will be size 2, blond and tight lips and the next its size 00, afro and bushy eye brows.  How can anyone expect to keep up with that? When they say a model has to be a chameleon, they mean it. 

Monday, June 2, 2014

Photo Set

Photos by Mark Reyes
Model Alexandra Pinheiro

Saturday, May 31, 2014

We Are Infinite

In my room there is drawer full of pharmaceuticals... Before you jump to conclusions, let me first say that they are all prescribed -- they are prescribed to help me sleep but all they really do is quiet my thoughts.  My head is full of all these dreams that seem so simple yet unrealistic and I can't stop thinking about them. I can't stop thinking about how time flows and the way I get swept up in its current. I waste my breath trying to battle the ticks on the clock when in reality, I should thank them.

If it wasn't for time no one would be in a hurry, because forever would be always. I could sleep endlessly because I'd know that I will never reach my goals because to have a goal, it has to have an ending. Without time there is no start or finish. There would be no birthdays or holidays... No schedules. I understand that without time there can be no balance but sometimes balance isn't what we want, It's what we need and I desperately wish to escape necessity.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Simple Meaning of Life

Take three minutes and watch this video I've posted. Stephen Fry explains "humanism" and the meaning of life to him as someone who is non-religious. It doesn't really matter what your beliefs are but I think everything he says is pretty universal.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Just One Cheezy Post

What is love? I don't mean that feeling you get in your stomach when they smile or the way they tuck their shirt in the wrong way but it's just so adorable. I mean the kind of love that, I hate to say, most people never get to experience. There is a solid difference between loving someone and being in love with someone and I think I'm so lucky to have experienced both and to know what the difference is. 

I'm not claiming to be this professional "love guru" or that you should take anything I say seriously but I just think that the description of truly loving someone is beautiful. When you love someone, I mean truly love them, It's like when they walk by a park they're the reason the grass grows there... They don't know it but it's true. They're the reason you somehow get enough oxygen everyday and the reason that the sun shines the way it does. To you, they're the only reason that the planets are still aligned and the only reason gravity still exists. Every beautiful word that falls out of their mouth is like your favorite song on repeat and you don't care if it ever stops. You would call off work to hear this song and you would stop eating to hear this song and you think that's completely normal because love is a disease... The best damn disease you could ever hope to catch.

It's not something that I believe lasts forever or something that you can really accurately describe to someone, but the point is just that there is a difference... And also that I can't end a blog post properly for shit.  

NYC Bound

Hi guys! I sincerely apologize for not updating my blog in a few weeks. I've been in NYC doing some exploring :-)

Here's a peek at what I've been up to:

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Recent Photo's From Coco Indie

I recently did an editorial for Coco Indie called "Jealous of Roses" and finally got images back! I had so much fun working with Mark Reyes and Krystell Barraza!

Also check out a recap on the "For The Sake Of Fashion" Street Style Chi // FORD Models show I did last Saturday on Lucky Mag today!

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Life Isn't Just A Board Game

I've been toying around with the idea that only the truly selfish can be successful in their careers. Now before you judge me, just think about it; If other people occupy your time, specifically in a romantic manner, your head is likely to be occupying about a thousand other thoughts aside from ones that are career oriented.

From personal experience (and some people watching) I can honestly say that love is so powerful that it can literally make you crazy. It can make you neglect your work or sometimes make rash decisions. What I can't decide though is if it's more important to have a successful career or a successful relationship and is it possible to have both? It seems like having the career AND the guy is never an option, especially for one in my position.

Having a career in the arts is just as bad as having an office job, in my opinion. They're both jobs that, in order to advance, takes 100% of your time and effort -- Time and effort that is just too much to put into two places at once.

With that being said, I've been trying to be more selfish in my career and its proven extremely effective so far. I've been getting so much work and getting so good at marketing myself that my level of opportunity is essentially limitless in this moment. I feel so happy in that sense, but I'm also becoming increasingly aware of how very alone I am. I don't have time (or rather don't want to make the time) to become attached to anyone outside of the industry so that nothing is in my way and nothing can change my mind.

I realize this seems a little extreme, but I know myself and the rash decisions I can make. I've been known to straight up quit a job for someone before and move across the country because I thought they were more important, and it always bites me in the butt. I think the real issue is that I've always strived to follow that little piece of advice they give you in elementary school: "treat others the way you want to be treated", only I find that I am VERY rarely treated the way I want to be treated. Perhaps I set my standards too high...

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Thoughts Before Bed

I never thought about it much before, but it's really beautiful how certain things can hold so many memories. So small, for example, that I saw those things that you stick on the sides on corn-on-the-cob earlier on TV and it reminded me of my childhood... Of how my mom had these ones shaped like cows and pigs and I could never make up my mind so I would use one of both.

I think that's the reason why people develop such an emotional attachment to material items. It's not so much that you really love the item, but its what it means to you... What and/or who it reminds you of. I can look around my room right now and tell a story about everything I own whether its a favorite book, a scented candle or a paper fortune; They all hold memories.

I like to pride myself in knowing that I don't [usually] form attachments to a lot of things or people but I know that if I didn't have any, what kind of person would I be then? A person without memories? I think it's human nature to hold on to the past, whether we like it or not. We just have to make the choice for those memories to always be a positive influence so we can always move forward and never back.

Monday, February 24, 2014

The Meaning Of Sex To The Modern Day Woman

I was having lunch with one of my friends yesterday and we somehow got on the topic of how many people we've slept with. She told me she'd slept with 20-30 people and I was so shocked by that number. Why do women feel the need to have so many sexual partners now-a-days?

I realize that men feel the need to because of their high testosterone levels, but women generally have low testosterone levels and are driven by estrogen, thus making their decision to sleep with someone a little more weighted. So why all the meaningless sex, ladies?

I've talked to countless women growing up about this issue, and the answer is really very simple; they feel pressured. When they're on a date and want a little action but don't want to go all the way, women end up feeling like there's no other option. I've been in that position before myself I know how frightening it can be to say "no" and wonder how he's going to react (sometimes violently), but you know what? It's your body and you can do what you want (and don't want) with it. If he's really into you and respects you, he won't be upset if you don't want to sleep with him right away. Everyone knows that good things come to those who wait.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Second Class America

I normally wouldn't post something so personal and forward, but I feel that this is an important topic. 
This is how my night started: I'm slightly intoxicated, heading from a local bar to a pizza pub, I'm waiting in line with two of my close friends (both male) when a man walks in and starts to molest me in front of everyone. His arms are wrapped around my body so tight I can't move; One hand on my breast and another on my groin. His lips press against any part of skin he can find all while I'm waiting in line for a slice of pizza. No one does anything. Everyone stared at me as I looked at them in horror and tried to break free. 
The only "justice" I recieved was a box of free pizza and a shot of whiskey. 
Later on, my friend looks at me and says " I don't know why women expect equality when they get so upset about getting fondled in public. I wouldn't be upset about it".

Please hold my hair while I vomit the fires of hell.

What is wrong with men? Not all men, obviously, but at least the bunch I saw tonight. I'm not fighting for equality right now, though it's a subject of great importance, I'm simply stating that if a human is being attacked by another human you help them. Man or woman. 
I've never been so angry and so hurt... Luckily another woman stepped up and helped me. 

Monday, February 10, 2014


I've come to the conclusion that I cannot be left alone with my thoughts, even during a movie. I'm literally sitting in a comedy right now and all I can think about is how backwards it is that mankind has fabricated such a thing as, time. I was watching a scene that included a group of men getting plastered and fucking hookers, and the only thing that held my attention long enough were the series of clocks in the background. 
But seriously, the concept of time is so baffling to me. Why would anyone want such a scheduled life or to put a limit on a frame of time? Rarely does time bring positivity to someone's life. I find that it only brings stress, anxiety and depression. 
Time is a cage and we are animals. 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

My Brain Is On Adderall

I have so much on my mind and so much I want to share with you guys but I've been bottling up my thoughts for days now. It's become a winter vortex here in Chicago and it's pushed me back and forth between a state of depression and absolute delirium. I feel inspired now because in the midst of my hibernation I've reconnected with a few old friends, and I've made a couple new ones as well who are like-minded and it's comforting.

A few weeks ago I began reading a book called "Classic Asian Philosophy" by Joel Kupperman; It was a hand-me-down from my room mate and I can't put it down. The first chapter or two are all about The Upanishads, which before now I knew little to nothing about. To put it bluntly, the book has blown my mind. I've learned the difference between "joy" and "pleasure" and I've been made aware that everything we know is exactly the same when you take away It's personality or the quantity. It's given me such a more peaceful outlook on life and I feel less anxious in my chaotic world.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've realized that basically all of my plans are not relevant anymore. I have a new outlook and I have become more aware of what it is I really want in life and I was making it so complicated -- Life should be simple.

Also, this meditation video I found is seriously the best I've come across so far. I highly recommend trying it if you're a beginner. It's very slow and has little direction, which I like. Just keep yourself open minded and sit comfortably:

Thursday, January 23, 2014

A Thursday In My Head

"What's your greatest fear?"

It's a common question asked on first dates, classroom orientations, job interviews... I asked myself this question this morning and after much thinking, I've chosen happiness  and I'll explain why.

When you've reached complete happiness, that's when you have the most to lose. Happiness is scary because its ever changing and it isn't forever. You never want it to end but you know that at any given moment, you can lose that feeling and it's scary.

I don't mean for that to sound so morbid but it's just a reminder that nothing is set and stone and so it's important to live out every moment to the fullest and like its your last. It irks me to no end when I hear people use the excuse, "I have time. I'll do it next week, month, etc" when pushing something off. Time moves so quickly; why wait?

"Take me to a place where time doesn't exist, 
Where we don't speak because everyone listens,
Only there will I understand what I now may know"

Monday, January 20, 2014

Free People Love Stories

So I was just scanning through the Free People blog and I came across a new edition entitled: Free People Love Stories. I don't know how many they will be posting or if there are others, but this one in particular spoke to me because this couple is basically a real life version of... My dream partnership I guess? They just travel together and live so simply.

Anyway here's the video from the website and I strongly encourage you to read the story that accompanies it as well; It's really inspiring. Enjoy! :-)

Friday, January 10, 2014

TGIF And I'm At Home

It's a Friday night in the city -- I'm young, I'm employed, I'm loved; what better way to spend my evening than rolling up in my favorite blanket with my laptop, a bowl of ice cream and my roommate Brittany, fantasizing about being financially stable?

It got me to thinking about what I would actually do if I all of a sudden came upon a large sum of money. Would I use it responsibly?

Here's what I'd do, in order of importance:

  • Find a sick vacation deal online and invite a few close friends
  • Pay on the spot for said trip
  • Write a check for mine and Brittany's rent for the remainder of our lease
  • Browse for a better apartment in the south loop
  • Call my parents and tell them I'm sending my brothers to private school 
  • Lay down in bed for a couple hours and not sleep because I'm way too excited
  • Get up, get ready and take an Uber SUV to breakfast 
  • Call about my student loans and pay those off
  • Laugh for 10 minutes after hearing the shock in their voice when I say I'm paying thousands out of pocket
  • Take my cat, in an Uber SUV, to finally get fixed and get the rest of her shots
  • Pick up that guy I like and tell him we're going on a stay-cation and not to work
  • Order Champagne and waffles via room service
  • Sleep in until noon
  • Renew my passport for the friend vacation
  • Plan accordingly
What would you do?

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

You're Just A Boy And I Have Galaxies Growing Inside Me

I've got some new photos back from a Free People Inspired shoot I did for Coco Indie Mag! Photography by Mark Reyes. Styling by Krystell Barraza.

Wanderlust Project

Alright, friends. I apologize for not having written in a while -- I've been so busy with the holiday madness that I've hardly had time for myself. 
I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of days, however, and I've decided to finally start the project I've been wanting to do. 

Here's the gist of it: 
It involves a videographer/photographer, myself obviously, traveling for an extended period of time, adventure. I'm thinking of putting together a Kickstarter to help fund the trip as well.

That's just the basic layout of course. I want this project to mutually beneficial for all parties involved so I want to brainstorm with a few people and see what we can pull together, whether it be a photo book or a web series... Maybe a combination of the two.

Anyway, if anyone is interested in taking a journey with me or if you have any recommendations/ideas feel free to comment below or send me an email. It would be greatly appreciated!