Sunday, March 4, 2012

You Don't Even Look At Me Looking My Best

This would normally not be something I'd make public, but I'm to the point where I don't care about anything anymore, so whatever. Venting is good sometimes.
I'm sick of:
my roommates
my job
running away
being helpless
trying so hard
achieving nothing

It's the worst feeling in the world to not be able to help yourself and to not have anywhere to go. I sometimes wish that I were a child again so my worries would only include who I'd play with at recess. I scare myself all the time because of the desperate thoughts that run through my mind. There's so many simple things that I want, yet so many necessary, difficult things that I need and they don't mix well. I found myself considering replying to a "personals" ad on craigslist today because I'm so desperate for cash. I always told my self that it would never come to that, but I don't know where else to turn. I'm going insane. Being homeless again wouldn't be that bad if it weren't the middle of winter. The things that I want are so simple, but so complicated at the same time. They're just too old-fashioned for todays society and the things I should know...  or should have an idea of... I fall completely short. I have no idea what I want and no idea what to do about anything, ever. I'm just a pussy and travel constantly so I don't have to deal with anything, just like my parents. I used to be so optimistic that no one wanted to be around me, but now I'm more pessimistic than ever. On the rare occasion that I'm happy, it's gone before I remember what it felt like. I constantly live in a dream.
I try so hard to make everyone else happy and to seem strong but I don't feel like either of those things, and I wish I did. In my head, the perfect solution is to be a beach bum for a few months and find myself, but that's not a realistic plan. I have no answers. My finger tips always just brush my goals and then some catastrophe strikes and it gets even further away and continues. I find that my fingers never brush them again. I am told that I'm being stubborn if I don't ask for help, but even if I decided to, who the hell would I ask?
I'm aware that who ever decides to read this will think I am crazy, but honestly, I don't give a crap anymore. I just want to be free.

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