This would normally not be something I'd make public, but I'm to the point where I don't care about anything anymore, so whatever. Venting is good sometimes.
I'm sick of:
trying so hard
It's the worst feeling in the world to not be able to help yourself and to not have anywhere to go. I sometimes wish that I were a child again so my worries would only include who I'd play with at recess. I scare myself all the time because of the desperate thoughts that run through my mind. There's so many simple things that I want, yet so many necessary, difficult things that I need and they don't mix well. I found myself considering replying to a "personals" ad on craigslist today because I'm so desperate for cash. I always told my self that it would never come to that, but I don't know where else to turn. I'm going insane. Being homeless again wouldn't be that bad if it weren't the middle of winter. The things that I want are so simple, but so complicated at the same time. They're just too old-fashioned for todays society and the things I should know... or should have an idea of... I fall completely short. I have no idea what I want and no idea what to do about anything, ever. I'm just a pussy and travel constantly so I don't have to deal with anything, just like my parents. I used to be so optimistic that no one wanted to be around me, but now I'm more pessimistic than ever. On the rare occasion that I'm happy, it's gone before I remember what it felt like. I constantly live in a dream.
I try so hard to make everyone else happy and to seem strong but I don't feel like either of those things, and I wish I did. In my head, the perfect solution is to be a beach bum for a few months and find myself, but that's not a realistic plan. I have no answers. My finger tips always just brush my goals and then some catastrophe strikes and it gets even further away and continues. I find that my fingers never brush them again. I am told that I'm being stubborn if I don't ask for help, but even if I decided to, who the hell would I ask?
I'm aware that who ever decides to read this will think I am crazy, but honestly, I don't give a crap anymore. I just want to be free.