Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Letters Anonymous

So, here's the deal. I have this major issue involving not being able to hold in whats on my mind (as you know from reading my numerous "venting" posts) and I've been holding in all these things I want to say to this guy but I'm too much of a wimp to actually bring it up. In the past, I have been pretty gutsy in the things I say to him, but this time I'm afraid its partly too mean of me to say. Anyway, I apologize for always getting too personal and just uninteresting on my posts sometimes, but if I don't tell someone, I'll tell him and I'm not ready for that right now.

Dear so-and-so,

I've been holding in a lot that I want to ask/tell you lately because frankly, I'm a massive wimp and you know it. First off, during our vacation together you treated me like I was the plague the majority of the time and it actually seemed to get worse after I mentioned something to you. I know you said you were busy, but in reality, no one is too busy to acknowledge their, as you call it, "significant others" existence. You actually kind of ran away from me in an indirect sort of way when I bid you goodbye at the shuttle station. I may be wrong, but I believe that's exactly how you treat someone you wish would fall off the face of the earth.
I know all of that was a tad bit over-dramatic; I know we did talk a few times and I enjoyed your company when you decided to grace me with your presence. I did, however, think about switching your ticket just so I wouldn't feel like dying, but I told myself that would be rash and I could very well be over-reacting.
Second, assuming I'm wrong about all of this, you have referred to yourself as my boyfriend (present and future tenses) a few times and for whatever reason I chose to ignore it, but if that's what you think you are, you should think about actually discussing that with me or maybe just asking me since you're so concerned with being a gentleman. I do think I would enjoy not just being that chick you see every once in a blue moon though.
Now, after thinking about this for weeks, I do take blame for a lot of our miscommunication. I do struggle to trust people and I know I could be more honest with you than I am. You really do sort of freak me out in a good way, I suppose. I'm not a "relationship" kind of person, but for whatever reason I (up until now) feel extremely comfortable with you and genuinely think you're the most wonderful person. I also could have been more specific when I addressed the situation during our trip and saved myself a lot of, "Am I doing something wrong?" and "don't cry. don't cry. don't cry". 
Anyway, I was really hurt by it and I didn't want to say all of this and make you feel bad, but I would appreciate an honest response as to how you feel and if that may not be what I want to hear, tell me anyway so you aren't leading me on; That will only make things worse for me.


So, If I ever work up the guts, that's pretty much what I want to say. I feel awfully mean just typing those things but my new goal was to be less of a doormat after all. Apologies for yet another venting post!

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