Thanks To Facebook

Saw this on Facebook just now. Thoughts?

Just On My Mind...

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" -Mahatma Gahndi

I've recently forgiven an old friend; I am always quick to forgive no matter what the circumstances, but sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as being too forgiving. Time and again I am told to stop being a walking doormat, but I just can't stay angry at people. Forgiveness is not the same as trust; though both have to be earned in my book, trust I find quite a lot harder to find in people. I think it's just part of growing and learning. It's not healthy to hold a grudge against other people. I honestly love everyone and just want to be happy as much as possible, and that's easier to achieve through forgiveness.
I do feel like, though, that me "seeing the best in people" is all in my head because I've befriended some of the absolute worst people and it took me so long to realize that they were more harmful to me than anything. I just can't shake that feeling that I need to be kind and make peace. What can I say, I enjoy being a softy.

On the other end of the scale, I'm moving in two weeks and I couldn't be more in denial. This whole time I've been searching for "home" and the answer was always to just relocate and start over, but I realized that the saying "Home isn't where you are, but who you're with" holds some truth. I may hate the midwest but I've met some of the most wonderful people here, including my very best friend who is just two hours away. Don't get me wrong; traveling is my ultimate passion. I love photography, but really which ever career allows me to travel is ideal. I just want to know what to tell people when they ask me where home is. I don't think that's really all that much to ask for, is it? I just want to know that when I break from my travels, that I have people that I love to come back to; not just a vacation spot.

Spring Time Is Here!

Twice in a row now I've gone to watch the sun set but faced the wrong direction... Actually, no. Madison put the bench on the wrong side of the lake. Thats it!

Anyway, I know I haven't posted in a while so I'm here to update you all. I've got two weeks left here and have been doing photo shoots like crazy, working at Hco not as much as I'd like and am in complete denial about moving. Happens every time. 

Can you be super psyched and super depressed at the same time?


Tell me your plans for summer!!!

My Take On Buddhism

I'm just gonna dive right in and not even bother telling you how or where I came up with this, because I'm not too sure myself.

So, basically, I think whole reasoning behind Buddhism is that it's built around this concept of teaching people a lesson through metaphors and reverse psychology. The reverse psychology is this: From my perspective, they're basically telling you that in order to achieve true happiness and nirvana is to literally feel nothing; that all these other emotions are getting in the way. Really though, this stands as a sort of riddle, and we're supposed to realize from this that there is no such thing as true happiness, because without all these other emotions we can't truly FEEL happy; we wouldn't know the difference. So, all these monks are really just some dudes that didn't solve the riddle and are left in the dark, still searching for the nirvana that will never come.

Note: If anything, this isn't the legit teachings of Buddhism (which is likely), but I at least learned a little something from it... So, it's totally cool if you're Buddhist.

Why yes, I am a philosopher. No, I am not drunk. Tut tut. :)

California Dreamin'

So, in less than a month I'll be back in good ole Los Angeles. I have mixed feelings about it; mostly because I usually travel by choice and not because I have to, but it's a love/hate thing. I'm excited to go back home and feel the sunshine... Also, be around friendly people and good food. To be honest, i've never been a fan of the Midwest, but like they say, it's not where you are but who you're with. I will miss a lot of people, but this is who I am. I won't be gone all that long though; Just until July or August. I'll soak up as much sun as possible and be back. In my mind it doesn't seem very long, but we'll see how it plays out. Time just seems to fly by for me, but for others drags on. I'm due for a family visit though, and those of you who know me well, know how close my attachment is to the ocean... So it will be nice to be reunited. Expect lots of photos and stories posted to keep you guys up to date.

Much love
:)

It's Always Something

I have only two things on my mind right now:

1. Why the hell can't I handle failure like a normal person instead of completely falling apart?
2. Why can't I make this damn decision? I usually just take the most risky one and roll with it, but I'm actually torn between the two for once. What am I supposed to do, make a "Pro/Con" list? That's not me. 

Note: Sorry for shitty posts lately. I always just write what ever is on my mind, but lately what's on my mind is unfortunately not entertaining. I will be back to more entertaining posts shortly... And by shortly I mean most likely the end of April when I've (hopefully) figured my life out. That's my set goal right now.

I am also switching the name of this blog to my old blog name, because I no longer use the old one. Same stuff, different name. No biggie.

You Don't Even Look At Me Looking My Best

This would normally not be something I'd make public, but I'm to the point where I don't care about anything anymore, so whatever. Venting is good sometimes.
I'm sick of:
my roommates
my job
running away
being helpless
trying so hard
achieving nothing

It's the worst feeling in the world to not be able to help yourself and to not have anywhere to go. I sometimes wish that I were a child again so my worries would only include who I'd play with at recess. I scare myself all the time because of the desperate thoughts that run through my mind. There's so many simple things that I want, yet so many necessary, difficult things that I need and they don't mix well. I found myself considering replying to a "personals" ad on craigslist today because I'm so desperate for cash. I always told my self that it would never come to that, but I don't know where else to turn. I'm going insane. Being homeless again wouldn't be that bad if it weren't the middle of winter. The things that I want are so simple, but so complicated at the same time. They're just too old-fashioned for todays society and the things I should know...  or should have an idea of... I fall completely short. I have no idea what I want and no idea what to do about anything, ever. I'm just a pussy and travel constantly so I don't have to deal with anything, just like my parents. I used to be so optimistic that no one wanted to be around me, but now I'm more pessimistic than ever. On the rare occasion that I'm happy, it's gone before I remember what it felt like. I constantly live in a dream.
I try so hard to make everyone else happy and to seem strong but I don't feel like either of those things, and I wish I did. In my head, the perfect solution is to be a beach bum for a few months and find myself, but that's not a realistic plan. I have no answers. My finger tips always just brush my goals and then some catastrophe strikes and it gets even further away and continues. I find that my fingers never brush them again. I am told that I'm being stubborn if I don't ask for help, but even if I decided to, who the hell would I ask?
I'm aware that who ever decides to read this will think I am crazy, but honestly, I don't give a crap anymore. I just want to be free.